When 2014 first began, my best mate and I were pretty excited about the fact that it was the Year of the Horse. See, the Horse is our Zodiac sign. 2014 was therefore our year. Our year to shine; our year to conquer like a boss. Or, "like a horse!" as the 2 of us prefer to say.
So has 2014 really been my year? Depends on how you look at it I reckon. On one hand, I achieved some pretty big personal milestones. I scored my first full time job. Took on the challenge of working in a new and dynamic department. This one isn't really a milestone in the sense of a personal achievement, but still worth mentioning: I fell in love again. On the other hand, each of the aforementioned milestones came with their own set of difficult challenges. My first full time job exposed how I was not as prepared as I thought I was for the working world. Being in a dynamic work environment made it even more challenging to adapt fast and keep up. As for love, well, it was tumultuous to say the least.
So I can't really say that 2014 was my year to shone and that I owned it. Especially since some of the challenges got so overwhelming that I nearly fell into depression several times. But that's OK. 2014 was still meaningful and memorable, in this sense:
I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that—I don't mind people being happy—but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It's a really odd thing that we're now seeing people saying "write down three things that made you happy today before you go to sleep" and "cheer up" and "happiness is our birthright" and so on. We're kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position. It's rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don't teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say, "Quick! Move on! Cheer up!" I'd like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word "happiness" and to replace it with the word "wholeness." Ask yourself, "Is this contributing to my wholeness?" and if you're having a bad day, it is.
—Hugh MacKay, author of The Good Life
It is such a relief to read this and know that despite almost hitting rock bottom in 2014, the year can be considered a very wholesone one. In fact, I feel that I have grown up so much and so fast this year.
The Year of Horse may be about to give way to the Year of the Goat in a few minues' time, but I am going to keep up the upbeat "like a horse!" mentality. It served me well this years and got me through so many challenges. I'm definitely gonna need it again to take on 2015, and beyond.
Happy New Year everyone!
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
A love story
I fell in love with a friend this year.
We met under the most random circumstances: I happened to sit next to him at the lobby of the school where I used to take Japanese lessons, one Saturday afternoon in May. He, bored of waiting for his friend to finish her class, started asking me about the classes at the school. We ended up talking for the next three hours when we found out that we had so much in common. Same university, same interest in anime, same dislike for durians, just to name a few. When I had to leave, I exchanged phone numbers with T (as he shall be referred to henceforth, since both his given name and surname begin with the letter 'T') and promised to meet again.
Over the next few months, we met up several times and grew comfortable with each other quickly. We'd lie on the ground next to each other, wrapped our arms around each others' shoulders, or grabbed hold of each others' hands. And talked and laughed. I slowly fell in love with him, this man just a year older than I with boyish good looks and a roguish charm. Oh, we had differences, but they were mainly surface level ones: he is Malaysian while I'm Singaporean, he works in the private sector while I work in the public sector etc. He is not the perfect guy either: he can be an annoying prick at times and he has a short temper like me. Yet, all differences and imperfections were insignificant because we felt so comfortable with each other. It's as if we'd known each other a long time. I fell for him, and was sure that T would fall for me too.
One day in August, I subconsciously revealed my feelings for him when I gave him a more intimate than usual hug. T gently told me that he couldn't return my feelings, mainly because he still had some feelings with his last ex, with whom he broke up with a month before he met me. I was shattered and sobbed into his arms. A couple of days later, the full hurt of the rejection (he had also mentioned that I reminded him a lot of that ex) kicked in so badly that I had to leave work early and go home. I needed to talk to him badly to clarify things but simply couldn't reach him. I thought he was ignoring me and that tormented me further. When he finally returned my call, I yelled at him and cried, spewing all kinds of bullshit that did not make sense. He got shocked and angry and argued back. When the call ended, I realized the horrible mistake I made and felt even worse than before. I texted my best friend who is studying abroad and told her everything. We worked things out slowly over the next few days, trying to understand my feelings and T's feelings and how actions on both sides had culminated to the meltdown that day. I eventually met him about a couple of weeks later to apologize and clarify certain things. We hugged and forgave each other.
I wish I could say that we then returned back to being the close friends that we were before. T and I tried but over time it emerged that we had different expectations of our relationship. I still loved T and wanted him. T thought I just had a crush that I would soon get over quickly. There were several underlying tensions as well, like how I tended to beat myself up over yelling at T in August. T was also facing personal problems of his own. One day in October, we ended up arguing again, albeit not as heated as the angry phone conversation in August. We managed to part on an amicable note, however, with the agreement that I would meet T again when I was ready to. More long conversations with my best mate followed to make sense of the whole messy situation. My wonderful best mate realized that both T and I suffered from a lack of self-love and self-compassion, which contributed to feelings of unresolved guilt on both sides. Her advice (I swear, if not for my best mate's unconditional support, I would most certainly have sunk into a depression) was that I took the next few weeks learning to be mindful of my feelings. That is, learn to stop beating myself up over past mistakes and accept my feelings for T instead of suppressing them like they were something to be guilty of. It wasn't easy, but I did eventually learn to be kind and loving to myself. I felt so much better after the paradigm shift. During this time of blooming self-love, T and I never communicated at all. I needed my own space and I understood intuitively that he did as well.
A month and a half passed. I was ready to initiate contact with T again. I messaged him and asked if he'd like to meet before I went overseas for a holiday towards the end of the month. 5 days later, he still did not reply, which was strange as he normally replied within 2 or 3 days, even during that tense period right after I yelled at him over the phone. I messaged him again explaining why I felt ready to meet and asking if he was free the next day. Still no reply. Angry, hurt and worried, I discussed with my best mate why T was ignoring me. The hunch I came up with was that while I might be ready to meet T, he might not be ready to meet me, but he did not want to tell me this. It sounded very plausible to me but I needed to be sure. The next day, I mustered the courage to give him an unexpected phone call around lunchtime and had one of the most memorable phone conversations in my life:
(As I don't remember every word that was spoken, most of this conversation has been paraphrased and shortened.)
T: Hello?
I: T, this is (my name). Are you all right?
T: Huh? Errrr...yea, I'm fine.
I: Oh, that's great!
T: Mmmmhmmm. I didn't know it was you, the caller ID stated "private". (What I did was that I called T using my house phone instead of mobile phone, as I was a little afraid he might ignore my phone call if he knew I was calling).
I: Uh-huh. Did you get my messages?
T: ......Yes.
I: OK......but you never replied?
T: Look, now is not a good time, I am really busy with work.
I: You have to go back to work on a Sunday again? Man, I figured that this month being December, things would have wound down. People are taking leave left right and center, but you still have to work on a Sunday?
T: Yes, I have to. Look, actually, it's not just because I'm busy that I can't meet you. The main reason is that these days, I feel an emotional pressure when I'm around you. I feel like I have to watch my actions and words, because I don't know how you might take them (As an example, which he mentioned in October, he did not know if the casual gesture of an arm around my shoulders or a hug could be taken by me to mean that he returned my feelings). I feel that I need to be careful with your feelings or you might get the wrong idea. Having to bear all these in mind is too stressful, especially when I'm bogged down with work, that is why I can't meet you. Look, my friends told me to be frank with you about my feelings, so I'm just being ... frank.
I: I see. It's a little sad to know that things have gone down this way. We were not like that at all when we first met.
T (sadly): I know.
I (sadly): Am I really such an ...... emotional bomb? So, does this mean that I should never ever contact you ever again?
T: We can still meet and keep in touch. Just in limited quantities.
I: Oh ...... To be honest, I'm not surprised to hear most of what you just said.
T (surprised): Really?
I: Yes. When you never replied to my messages, I knew something was amiss. It is not like you to take so long to reply to my messages. So I eventually figured that while I might be ready to meet you, you might not be emotionally ready to meet me. It's either that, or something happened to you that prevented you from replying. I needed to be sure so I had to call you.
T:......
I: Sigh. I was annoyed and angry at you for ignoring my messages ......
T (softly): You have every right to be.
I:...... in the end, however, I guess I became more worried about you. I really thought something might have happened to you that prevented you from replying!
T: I'm sorry.
I: It's OK. But please, next time if you cannot meet, just say so.
T: Sure.
I: You know, if my being calm throughout this conversation doesn't show that I'm well and truly OK this time as compared to my insecure self back in October, I don't know what would. Heck, I've recently been told in the face by my boss that I might have to leave my job this year......
T: WHY?
I (surprised that T cared enough to actually ask): Well, it's a complicated story, but essentially there has been a big mismatch of expectations.
T: If you've been doing your job well and delivering results on time, there shouldn't be any trouble. Have you been doing anything wild like cartwheeling around the office? (A common example we usually bring up when referring to my high energy levels. I love pulling off cartwheels.)
I: Heck no! The office is too small and cramped for that anyway.
T: You must have accidentally offended someone.
I: Errrrr, T, in the private sector, if I bypass one level of hierarchy in order to get to the next, would people get offended?
T: ....... What do you think?
I: Well, in a big organization like mine with lots of layers......
T: The answer is yes! It's like that with any organization! The people in the middle would get offended, and they are the ones who have a more direct say when it comes to your appraisal.
I (sheepishly): Point taken,
T: OK, don't do this again.
I (cheerily): Well, given the chance that I might end up leaving my job next year either on my own accord or if my organization asks me too ...... Is (T's firm) hiring?
T: Yeah I guess so. Check the website. The jobs that you could apply for depends on your qualifications.
I: First Class Honours in International Relations.
T: Unlikely that we have anything International Relations specific. But you could try the advisory positions.
I: Thanks mate.
T: Just some advice: begin your job search early.
I: Sure, thanks! Well, I'd best leave you to continue with your work. I'll contact you ...... sometime next year? Perhaps around March after I hear from my organization on whether they will let me stay or not?
T: Yea. If you need help with jobs, you can ask me.
I: OK thanks!
T: Enjoy your holiday next week.
I: Yea, you have a good trip back home next week. Take care and Happy New Year!
T (more cheery): Thanks, and Merry Christmas!
I: Cheers! Bye!
T: Bye!
And that was our last conversation together just three days ago: frank, amicable and no hostilities. We even wished each other Merry Christmas and Happy New Year at the end. Despite all the drama that happened between us, the conversation revealed that deep down, we still cared for each other. I had good reason to be angry at T for ignoring my messages but in the end, my concern for him overwhelmed everything else. I'm not even angry anymore, as I now realize that T was in a difficult position to begin with: he did not know how to be friends with someone who is in love with him and reciprocate my feelings. On T's part, he never cut me off completely when I asked if he wanted me to sever all contact. Instead, he did say we can continue to meet as well as stay in touch. He even gave me career advice and offered to help. I am grateful and contented.
It's ironic that all the heartache, drama and turmoil that happened over the past few months were caused by......love. Yet, it was also love that prevented this relationship from falling apart completely. Do I regret falling for T in the first place? I regret the drama unleashed by revealing my feelings a little too early, but I have no regrets about loving T. I still love him even now. Despite everything, T is a beautiful friend with whom I share many fond memories. He has his own inner demons to fight, but I empathize with him on some levels and do not believe that he is the bastard he sometimes portrays himself to be. I just wish that I could have given him a big tender hug before I leave for my trip next week.
I look forward to the new beginnings 2015 will bring. One of my New Year Resolutions would be to continue my best mate's advice to practice mindfulness, while also developing a more loving soul. Not just for myself, but also for all the people I care about. I can't wait to meet T again when I finally reach that stage.
We met under the most random circumstances: I happened to sit next to him at the lobby of the school where I used to take Japanese lessons, one Saturday afternoon in May. He, bored of waiting for his friend to finish her class, started asking me about the classes at the school. We ended up talking for the next three hours when we found out that we had so much in common. Same university, same interest in anime, same dislike for durians, just to name a few. When I had to leave, I exchanged phone numbers with T (as he shall be referred to henceforth, since both his given name and surname begin with the letter 'T') and promised to meet again.
Over the next few months, we met up several times and grew comfortable with each other quickly. We'd lie on the ground next to each other, wrapped our arms around each others' shoulders, or grabbed hold of each others' hands. And talked and laughed. I slowly fell in love with him, this man just a year older than I with boyish good looks and a roguish charm. Oh, we had differences, but they were mainly surface level ones: he is Malaysian while I'm Singaporean, he works in the private sector while I work in the public sector etc. He is not the perfect guy either: he can be an annoying prick at times and he has a short temper like me. Yet, all differences and imperfections were insignificant because we felt so comfortable with each other. It's as if we'd known each other a long time. I fell for him, and was sure that T would fall for me too.
One day in August, I subconsciously revealed my feelings for him when I gave him a more intimate than usual hug. T gently told me that he couldn't return my feelings, mainly because he still had some feelings with his last ex, with whom he broke up with a month before he met me. I was shattered and sobbed into his arms. A couple of days later, the full hurt of the rejection (he had also mentioned that I reminded him a lot of that ex) kicked in so badly that I had to leave work early and go home. I needed to talk to him badly to clarify things but simply couldn't reach him. I thought he was ignoring me and that tormented me further. When he finally returned my call, I yelled at him and cried, spewing all kinds of bullshit that did not make sense. He got shocked and angry and argued back. When the call ended, I realized the horrible mistake I made and felt even worse than before. I texted my best friend who is studying abroad and told her everything. We worked things out slowly over the next few days, trying to understand my feelings and T's feelings and how actions on both sides had culminated to the meltdown that day. I eventually met him about a couple of weeks later to apologize and clarify certain things. We hugged and forgave each other.
I wish I could say that we then returned back to being the close friends that we were before. T and I tried but over time it emerged that we had different expectations of our relationship. I still loved T and wanted him. T thought I just had a crush that I would soon get over quickly. There were several underlying tensions as well, like how I tended to beat myself up over yelling at T in August. T was also facing personal problems of his own. One day in October, we ended up arguing again, albeit not as heated as the angry phone conversation in August. We managed to part on an amicable note, however, with the agreement that I would meet T again when I was ready to. More long conversations with my best mate followed to make sense of the whole messy situation. My wonderful best mate realized that both T and I suffered from a lack of self-love and self-compassion, which contributed to feelings of unresolved guilt on both sides. Her advice (I swear, if not for my best mate's unconditional support, I would most certainly have sunk into a depression) was that I took the next few weeks learning to be mindful of my feelings. That is, learn to stop beating myself up over past mistakes and accept my feelings for T instead of suppressing them like they were something to be guilty of. It wasn't easy, but I did eventually learn to be kind and loving to myself. I felt so much better after the paradigm shift. During this time of blooming self-love, T and I never communicated at all. I needed my own space and I understood intuitively that he did as well.
A month and a half passed. I was ready to initiate contact with T again. I messaged him and asked if he'd like to meet before I went overseas for a holiday towards the end of the month. 5 days later, he still did not reply, which was strange as he normally replied within 2 or 3 days, even during that tense period right after I yelled at him over the phone. I messaged him again explaining why I felt ready to meet and asking if he was free the next day. Still no reply. Angry, hurt and worried, I discussed with my best mate why T was ignoring me. The hunch I came up with was that while I might be ready to meet T, he might not be ready to meet me, but he did not want to tell me this. It sounded very plausible to me but I needed to be sure. The next day, I mustered the courage to give him an unexpected phone call around lunchtime and had one of the most memorable phone conversations in my life:
(As I don't remember every word that was spoken, most of this conversation has been paraphrased and shortened.)
T: Hello?
I: T, this is (my name). Are you all right?
T: Huh? Errrr...yea, I'm fine.
I: Oh, that's great!
T: Mmmmhmmm. I didn't know it was you, the caller ID stated "private". (What I did was that I called T using my house phone instead of mobile phone, as I was a little afraid he might ignore my phone call if he knew I was calling).
I: Uh-huh. Did you get my messages?
T: ......Yes.
I: OK......but you never replied?
T: Look, now is not a good time, I am really busy with work.
I: You have to go back to work on a Sunday again? Man, I figured that this month being December, things would have wound down. People are taking leave left right and center, but you still have to work on a Sunday?
T: Yes, I have to. Look, actually, it's not just because I'm busy that I can't meet you. The main reason is that these days, I feel an emotional pressure when I'm around you. I feel like I have to watch my actions and words, because I don't know how you might take them (As an example, which he mentioned in October, he did not know if the casual gesture of an arm around my shoulders or a hug could be taken by me to mean that he returned my feelings). I feel that I need to be careful with your feelings or you might get the wrong idea. Having to bear all these in mind is too stressful, especially when I'm bogged down with work, that is why I can't meet you. Look, my friends told me to be frank with you about my feelings, so I'm just being ... frank.
I: I see. It's a little sad to know that things have gone down this way. We were not like that at all when we first met.
T (sadly): I know.
I (sadly): Am I really such an ...... emotional bomb? So, does this mean that I should never ever contact you ever again?
T: We can still meet and keep in touch. Just in limited quantities.
I: Oh ...... To be honest, I'm not surprised to hear most of what you just said.
T (surprised): Really?
I: Yes. When you never replied to my messages, I knew something was amiss. It is not like you to take so long to reply to my messages. So I eventually figured that while I might be ready to meet you, you might not be emotionally ready to meet me. It's either that, or something happened to you that prevented you from replying. I needed to be sure so I had to call you.
T:......
I: Sigh. I was annoyed and angry at you for ignoring my messages ......
T (softly): You have every right to be.
I:...... in the end, however, I guess I became more worried about you. I really thought something might have happened to you that prevented you from replying!
T: I'm sorry.
I: It's OK. But please, next time if you cannot meet, just say so.
T: Sure.
I: You know, if my being calm throughout this conversation doesn't show that I'm well and truly OK this time as compared to my insecure self back in October, I don't know what would. Heck, I've recently been told in the face by my boss that I might have to leave my job this year......
T: WHY?
I (surprised that T cared enough to actually ask): Well, it's a complicated story, but essentially there has been a big mismatch of expectations.
T: If you've been doing your job well and delivering results on time, there shouldn't be any trouble. Have you been doing anything wild like cartwheeling around the office? (A common example we usually bring up when referring to my high energy levels. I love pulling off cartwheels.)
I: Heck no! The office is too small and cramped for that anyway.
T: You must have accidentally offended someone.
I: Errrrr, T, in the private sector, if I bypass one level of hierarchy in order to get to the next, would people get offended?
T: ....... What do you think?
I: Well, in a big organization like mine with lots of layers......
T: The answer is yes! It's like that with any organization! The people in the middle would get offended, and they are the ones who have a more direct say when it comes to your appraisal.
I (sheepishly): Point taken,
T: OK, don't do this again.
I (cheerily): Well, given the chance that I might end up leaving my job next year either on my own accord or if my organization asks me too ...... Is (T's firm) hiring?
T: Yeah I guess so. Check the website. The jobs that you could apply for depends on your qualifications.
I: First Class Honours in International Relations.
T: Unlikely that we have anything International Relations specific. But you could try the advisory positions.
I: Thanks mate.
T: Just some advice: begin your job search early.
I: Sure, thanks! Well, I'd best leave you to continue with your work. I'll contact you ...... sometime next year? Perhaps around March after I hear from my organization on whether they will let me stay or not?
T: Yea. If you need help with jobs, you can ask me.
I: OK thanks!
T: Enjoy your holiday next week.
I: Yea, you have a good trip back home next week. Take care and Happy New Year!
T (more cheery): Thanks, and Merry Christmas!
I: Cheers! Bye!
T: Bye!
And that was our last conversation together just three days ago: frank, amicable and no hostilities. We even wished each other Merry Christmas and Happy New Year at the end. Despite all the drama that happened between us, the conversation revealed that deep down, we still cared for each other. I had good reason to be angry at T for ignoring my messages but in the end, my concern for him overwhelmed everything else. I'm not even angry anymore, as I now realize that T was in a difficult position to begin with: he did not know how to be friends with someone who is in love with him and reciprocate my feelings. On T's part, he never cut me off completely when I asked if he wanted me to sever all contact. Instead, he did say we can continue to meet as well as stay in touch. He even gave me career advice and offered to help. I am grateful and contented.
It's ironic that all the heartache, drama and turmoil that happened over the past few months were caused by......love. Yet, it was also love that prevented this relationship from falling apart completely. Do I regret falling for T in the first place? I regret the drama unleashed by revealing my feelings a little too early, but I have no regrets about loving T. I still love him even now. Despite everything, T is a beautiful friend with whom I share many fond memories. He has his own inner demons to fight, but I empathize with him on some levels and do not believe that he is the bastard he sometimes portrays himself to be. I just wish that I could have given him a big tender hug before I leave for my trip next week.
I look forward to the new beginnings 2015 will bring. One of my New Year Resolutions would be to continue my best mate's advice to practice mindfulness, while also developing a more loving soul. Not just for myself, but also for all the people I care about. I can't wait to meet T again when I finally reach that stage.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Out of the storm
There's too much to be said about what has happened in my life since I last posted here (and yes, I sheepishly acknowledge that it has been exactly 5 months since that last blog entry...).
So let me keep it short and simple: those 5 months have been challenging, to say the least. Okay, May, June and July were not that bad. I would love to forget that August 2014 ever happened though.
In August, I nearly hit rock bottom, and if it hadn't been for my family and my best friend, I think I would have sunk into a depression. What happened was that I fucked up on too many fronts. At work, I didn't just let people down by not delivering, but made those mistakes a few times. There were various reasons for this, from difficulties adjusting to the organization culture to various disruptions to a particularly mean colleague, but the fact still remains that I did not deliver the work I was personally responsible for and disappointed people. Unfortunately, problems at work were not the only problems I had to deal with in August. There was also some...drama that I happened between someone I care about very much and I. I don't really want to go into details here, except to say that with the help of my wonderful best friend, I spent days firefighting the drama that erupted in my personal life.
Luckily for me, my parents (kudos to my Mum in particular) were there to advise me as I cleaned up the messes I made at work while my best friend provided valuable help and support as I tried to save a relationship that I almost wrecked. A 9 day holiday to Hong Kong and Taiwan with my family was the perfect opportunity to get away to get away from it all, have some much-needed fun and family-bonding time and rejuvenate myself.
Things are better for me this September. I worked hard getting my act together at work upon my return from overseas and am happy to report that I am finally progressing. All the drama between that someone and I have been resolved after a good heart-to-heart talk and we're back to being on good terms now.
I'm back here on this blog because I do want to continue chronicling those unique points in space and time in my life. Both the good and the bad. As I continue to work out my direction in life and find myself, it would help to be able to look back at some of those defining moments and see how far I've come and what mistakes I should not make again. If you have been following me all this while, I'm sorry for the lack of updates. Ultimately, I write for myself, which means that I write whenever there is something I really want to say. I would try to write more though, and not be so lazy about it or I would accumulate too many unrecorded memories as was the case over the past 5 months.
So, yes, I'm back :)
So let me keep it short and simple: those 5 months have been challenging, to say the least. Okay, May, June and July were not that bad. I would love to forget that August 2014 ever happened though.
In August, I nearly hit rock bottom, and if it hadn't been for my family and my best friend, I think I would have sunk into a depression. What happened was that I fucked up on too many fronts. At work, I didn't just let people down by not delivering, but made those mistakes a few times. There were various reasons for this, from difficulties adjusting to the organization culture to various disruptions to a particularly mean colleague, but the fact still remains that I did not deliver the work I was personally responsible for and disappointed people. Unfortunately, problems at work were not the only problems I had to deal with in August. There was also some...drama that I happened between someone I care about very much and I. I don't really want to go into details here, except to say that with the help of my wonderful best friend, I spent days firefighting the drama that erupted in my personal life.
Luckily for me, my parents (kudos to my Mum in particular) were there to advise me as I cleaned up the messes I made at work while my best friend provided valuable help and support as I tried to save a relationship that I almost wrecked. A 9 day holiday to Hong Kong and Taiwan with my family was the perfect opportunity to get away to get away from it all, have some much-needed fun and family-bonding time and rejuvenate myself.
Things are better for me this September. I worked hard getting my act together at work upon my return from overseas and am happy to report that I am finally progressing. All the drama between that someone and I have been resolved after a good heart-to-heart talk and we're back to being on good terms now.
I'm back here on this blog because I do want to continue chronicling those unique points in space and time in my life. Both the good and the bad. As I continue to work out my direction in life and find myself, it would help to be able to look back at some of those defining moments and see how far I've come and what mistakes I should not make again. If you have been following me all this while, I'm sorry for the lack of updates. Ultimately, I write for myself, which means that I write whenever there is something I really want to say. I would try to write more though, and not be so lazy about it or I would accumulate too many unrecorded memories as was the case over the past 5 months.
So, yes, I'm back :)
Monday, April 28, 2014
Happy Birthday
Hey gal,
Happy
birthday from your future 2014 self :D There’re about 20 years separating us,
and while I’d love to tell you all the cool stuff that happened in those two
decades, I’ll just give you some advice with the benefit of hindsight.
To be
brutally honest, the years ahead are gonna be difficult. Right now you think
Hillary and Valerie being mean to you in kindergarten is the lousiest thing
happening but their bitchiness (don’t repeat that word yet, you’re still too
young to swear!) is NOT the worst that can happen. Oh no, you will suffer way
more serious battering to your self-esteem in the form of cruel words that cut
deep and people who let you down. It gets better after a few years but you will
still find it difficult to shake off your social awkwardness. You end up going
through an identity crisis of sorts.
Okay, I’m
sorry, I hope I haven’t freaked you out. This is where it gets better: you WILL
eventually learn to become confident in your own skin. You stop caring so much
about what other people think and that is when you begin to truly blossom. You
will be excited to know that you will go overseas for university and those years of living abroad independently will not just open your eyes to
the world but also help you find yourself.
Where am I,
the future you, now? Sorry to disappoint, but you did not become a school
principal. I am a civil servant. It’s a dynamic job that involves interacting
with lots of people of different backgrounds and I’m in my element here. Yep,
lots of people. I know you are still so shy that you dare not order food
by yourself because it means having to speak to strangers. Would you believe me
if I said that the future you is actually way more extroverted, talks a little
too much for her own good and uses a lot of pop culture references in her
speech among other quirks? I swear we are the same person!
I don’t
mean to say that it will be happily ever after in the end. That’s for the
elderly me to say. Honestly, I’m still trying to find my place in this world
and sometimes I feel afraid. What I do know, and what I want you to know
too, is that you are tougher and more capable than you think so never let
yourself be held back. The future looks less scary when you ask yourself what
you could do if you were not afraid. The myriad untapped possibilities ahead
are something you and I as one person can look forward to.
Happy
birthday!
Cheers,
Your 2014 self
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Almost Time
I've been spending those precious last few weeks of freedom before I start work enjoying myself as much as possible.
The grand makeover that I described in a previous post is almost complete and it has been great fun transforming so many aspects of myself. Shopping for new clothes, shoes, accessories and makeup was a big part of the overhaul. I also feel relieved to have thrown out lots of old stuff to make way for the new.
When not putting the finishing touches to the grand makeover, I visit my favorite haunts and eating spots. It's not like I'll never be able to go to these places once I start working (there are public holidays and weekends of course), just that I'll have less time to spend there. I don't think I'll be able to linger as long as I like, savoring the atmosphere and vibes, without a care in the world. It's the same with hanging out with my good friends. Work will keep us all busy so we cannot dedicate whole days to each others' company anymore.
I suppose I will miss those halcyon days after I start working. However, having had lots of personal freedom in my hands for many months already, I do look forward to embarking on a new chapter of life next week. All that free time has been very well spent anyway. Aside from the above-mentioned shopping and eating out, I've managed to do a short stint of work, resumed learning Japanese and finally took driving lessons, so it's not like I have much regrets about wasting time.
I am ready and everything is in place.
Now it's time to spread my wings and soar.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
The Interview
The interview was not going well.
It was after 5pm, and I was the last candidate for the day. The panel of three were nice enough but I had the feeling they were ready to write me off as too inexperienced and fresh for the job. It didn't help that the presentation I had to do as part of the assessment had not wowed them either.
Then it was Question and Answer time. "Do you have any questions for us?" asked the lady, a Director. These guys were pretty senior ranking officers. I asked one about what attributes they were particularly looking out for in candidates and the reply was something along the lines of "the one with the most passion and willingness to commit." Fairly standard.
"Anything else?"
I was tired from the long wait to be interviewed and despairing at the thought of having screwed up yet again. All of a sudden, my fighting spirit kicked in hard. I think I was simply so sick of job searching and being unemployed that I wanted to prove myself; at least leave the room not feeling like a looser.
"Yes. I have a question about the organization's mission and vision, as described in the organization website." That seized their attention, as I knew it would.
"Go on."
"Could you elaborate on what this bit ... means?" One of the men explained. I replied, "Thank you for clarifying. You see, from the way it is phrased on the website, it comes across as really contradictory because ..." I explained in detail how people could have gotten the wrong idea about a particular politically sensitive issue. "Oh no, that was not what we wanted to put across ..." The lady elaborated further. "Now that you have explained, I understand." I said, taking care not to sound confrontational. "I raised this because I simply wanted to point out that members of the public could get the wrong idea about your stance. The issue in question is a controversial, hot button topic after all."
The panel seemed to be at a lost of words at this stage. There was nothing else either the panel or myself wanted to add, so we shook hands and I left. As I walked out of the building, I wondered if I should feel brave or foolish for my last ditch attempt to make the interview a success. I decided that night that I had probably offended the panel for being so bold as to question something so fundamental to the organization as its mission and vision. Great, I thought gloomily, I can forget about working for these guys for sure.
Imagine my great surprise to hear from the organization the very next day, asking me to come down again for a second round of interview later in the week. As I had been so convinced I messed up, I had to check with them if it was indeed me they were looking for, and it really was. I quickly made plans to attend the second interview. After the second interview, I could not contain my curiosity any further and asked a HR officer who was present at the first interview what I had done right the first time round to be able to make it for round 2. She was kind enough to tell me that among other things, it was the maturity I displayed that made me stood out as a candidate.
In the end, I did not get the job I initially applied for with the organization, but was offered another one with a very recently created department. As the team was new, they were willing to hire a fresh graduate so as to diversify the department. After learning more about it, I was happy to accept, and signed the contract a few days ago. Thus, 8 months of job-hunting came to an end this week.
I begin work in mid-April.
It was after 5pm, and I was the last candidate for the day. The panel of three were nice enough but I had the feeling they were ready to write me off as too inexperienced and fresh for the job. It didn't help that the presentation I had to do as part of the assessment had not wowed them either.
Then it was Question and Answer time. "Do you have any questions for us?" asked the lady, a Director. These guys were pretty senior ranking officers. I asked one about what attributes they were particularly looking out for in candidates and the reply was something along the lines of "the one with the most passion and willingness to commit." Fairly standard.
"Anything else?"
I was tired from the long wait to be interviewed and despairing at the thought of having screwed up yet again. All of a sudden, my fighting spirit kicked in hard. I think I was simply so sick of job searching and being unemployed that I wanted to prove myself; at least leave the room not feeling like a looser.
"Yes. I have a question about the organization's mission and vision, as described in the organization website." That seized their attention, as I knew it would.
"Go on."
"Could you elaborate on what this bit ... means?" One of the men explained. I replied, "Thank you for clarifying. You see, from the way it is phrased on the website, it comes across as really contradictory because ..." I explained in detail how people could have gotten the wrong idea about a particular politically sensitive issue. "Oh no, that was not what we wanted to put across ..." The lady elaborated further. "Now that you have explained, I understand." I said, taking care not to sound confrontational. "I raised this because I simply wanted to point out that members of the public could get the wrong idea about your stance. The issue in question is a controversial, hot button topic after all."
The panel seemed to be at a lost of words at this stage. There was nothing else either the panel or myself wanted to add, so we shook hands and I left. As I walked out of the building, I wondered if I should feel brave or foolish for my last ditch attempt to make the interview a success. I decided that night that I had probably offended the panel for being so bold as to question something so fundamental to the organization as its mission and vision. Great, I thought gloomily, I can forget about working for these guys for sure.
Imagine my great surprise to hear from the organization the very next day, asking me to come down again for a second round of interview later in the week. As I had been so convinced I messed up, I had to check with them if it was indeed me they were looking for, and it really was. I quickly made plans to attend the second interview. After the second interview, I could not contain my curiosity any further and asked a HR officer who was present at the first interview what I had done right the first time round to be able to make it for round 2. She was kind enough to tell me that among other things, it was the maturity I displayed that made me stood out as a candidate.
In the end, I did not get the job I initially applied for with the organization, but was offered another one with a very recently created department. As the team was new, they were willing to hire a fresh graduate so as to diversify the department. After learning more about it, I was happy to accept, and signed the contract a few days ago. Thus, 8 months of job-hunting came to an end this week.
I begin work in mid-April.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Let it go, let it go!
 |
| Elsa! |
For myself and many fans, Frozen's soundtrack is one of its biggest appeals. Frozen's catchy songs have received tens of thousands of views on YouTube and there are loads of covers of Frozen's songs in a variety of languages. Of its entire soundtrack, 'Let It Go' is surely the biggest hit and most popular of all:
'Let It Go' is sung by one of the main female protagonists Elsa, a princess born with the ability to create ice and snow, who flees her Kingdom after she accidently displayed her long-suppressed powers in full public view. She finds herself alone up the snowy mountains and decides heck it, I am tired of hiding who I really am so now that I am free I'll just embrace myself and my icy powers. Elsa builds a beautiful ice castle for herself from scratch and ends with transforming herself from head to toe into a Snow Queen, all the while belting out her joy at having "let it go". The song is basically an ode to liberation and self-empowerment.
Personally, this song really struck a chord. My absolute favourite moment of the song and film would be Elsa's metamorphosis from the old conservatively attired Elsa into the sexy Snow Queen clad in the gorgeous gown of ice crystals. "Let it go, let it go/ And I'll rise like the break of dawn/ Let it go, let it go/ That perfect girl is gone!" Wow. I loved that moment so much because: a) The new Elsa is drop-dead gorgeous and exudes such a sexy confidence b) More importantly, I could relate to Elsa's transformation so much.
If you have been reading my previous posts, you would know that the last few months of 2013 was a difficult period for me due to some personal challenges I was facing. In the process, I resolved to break away from the obstacles that bogged me down and transform myself. Like, screw social conventions and all my fears, I'm just going to embrace who I am. However, I did not intend to simply accept myself, oh no, that's hardly enough, I wanted to be a new and better version of myself. I wanted to be tough as nails yet carry myself with poise and confidence; I aspired to be a lady with the world at her feet and ready to take it on because she knows she can.
That's why I am so enamoured with Elsa's "Let It Go" performance and the physical transformation that accompanied it. I have watched this particular scene of the movie (as well as many variations of it) so many times because I can relate to Elsa's transformation on so many levels. As part of my own metamorphosis, I am changing the way I look too. I don't mean to say that I used to dress badly (in fact I'm known for having a unique and quirky personal style), but I am working on a look that is not just uniquely me but also exudes maturity and confidence. It's been quite fun improving my overall physical appearance, though I sometimes wish it was as easy as waving a hand and creating a sexy attire of ice crystals! Aside from making improvements to my overall style, I have also been taking greater care of my health. I have long believed that looking good always starts with good health; make-up and treatments cannot do much to hide the effects of an unhealthy lifestyle.
Confidence is also a state of mind so I have also been letting go of the fears and setbacks that once held me back. Now, I feel more sure of myself and my abilities. I recall how when I was little I used to be so timid and would usually hide at the back of a group rather than stand in the front. Over the years, I've discovered a more extroverted side of myself, and these past few months I have been giving my outgoing side more chances to really shine and make lasting impressions on other people.
I am happy to report that my overall journey to a new and better me has been going along rather well. Self-improvement is still a work in progress, of course, but I'm happy with what I have achieved so far. By the time the lunar new year rolled around about a week ago, I felt so ready to embrace the Year of the Horse. I was born in the Year of the Horse, this is my year to shine and I'm ready to own 2014 like a boss. I mean, like a HORSE :)
Thank you, Elsa, for your inspiration. It is indeed such a beautiful and liberating feeling to shake off the shackles of the past and charge forward, driven by faith in yourself and your abilities. Oh and an appearance change, even minor tweaks, really does work wonders too ;)
Let it go, let it go, and I'll rise like the break of dawn!
Friday, January 3, 2014
A Beautiful Night
A moment to remember:
I saw Orion's Belt among the stars tonight and the Queen of the Night flower in our garden bloomed beautifully.
A magical end to an eventful 3rd day of 2014.
I saw Orion's Belt among the stars tonight and the Queen of the Night flower in our garden bloomed beautifully.
A magical end to an eventful 3rd day of 2014.
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