When 2014 first began, my best mate and I were pretty excited about the fact that it was the Year of the Horse. See, the Horse is our Zodiac sign. 2014 was therefore our year. Our year to shine; our year to conquer like a boss. Or, "like a horse!" as the 2 of us prefer to say.
So has 2014 really been my year? Depends on how you look at it I reckon. On one hand, I achieved some pretty big personal milestones. I scored my first full time job. Took on the challenge of working in a new and dynamic department. This one isn't really a milestone in the sense of a personal achievement, but still worth mentioning: I fell in love again. On the other hand, each of the aforementioned milestones came with their own set of difficult challenges. My first full time job exposed how I was not as prepared as I thought I was for the working world. Being in a dynamic work environment made it even more challenging to adapt fast and keep up. As for love, well, it was tumultuous to say the least.
So I can't really say that 2014 was my year to shone and that I owned it. Especially since some of the challenges got so overwhelming that I nearly fell into depression several times. But that's OK. 2014 was still meaningful and memorable, in this sense:
I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that—I don't mind people being happy—but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It's a really odd thing that we're now seeing people saying "write down three things that made you happy today before you go to sleep" and "cheer up" and "happiness is our birthright" and so on. We're kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position. It's rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don't teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say, "Quick! Move on! Cheer up!" I'd like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word "happiness" and to replace it with the word "wholeness." Ask yourself, "Is this contributing to my wholeness?" and if you're having a bad day, it is.
—Hugh MacKay, author of The Good Life
It is such a relief to read this and know that despite almost hitting rock bottom in 2014, the year can be considered a very wholesone one. In fact, I feel that I have grown up so much and so fast this year.
The Year of Horse may be about to give way to the Year of the Goat in a few minues' time, but I am going to keep up the upbeat "like a horse!" mentality. It served me well this years and got me through so many challenges. I'm definitely gonna need it again to take on 2015, and beyond.
Happy New Year everyone!
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
A love story
I fell in love with a friend this year.
We met under the most random circumstances: I happened to sit next to him at the lobby of the school where I used to take Japanese lessons, one Saturday afternoon in May. He, bored of waiting for his friend to finish her class, started asking me about the classes at the school. We ended up talking for the next three hours when we found out that we had so much in common. Same university, same interest in anime, same dislike for durians, just to name a few. When I had to leave, I exchanged phone numbers with T (as he shall be referred to henceforth, since both his given name and surname begin with the letter 'T') and promised to meet again.
Over the next few months, we met up several times and grew comfortable with each other quickly. We'd lie on the ground next to each other, wrapped our arms around each others' shoulders, or grabbed hold of each others' hands. And talked and laughed. I slowly fell in love with him, this man just a year older than I with boyish good looks and a roguish charm. Oh, we had differences, but they were mainly surface level ones: he is Malaysian while I'm Singaporean, he works in the private sector while I work in the public sector etc. He is not the perfect guy either: he can be an annoying prick at times and he has a short temper like me. Yet, all differences and imperfections were insignificant because we felt so comfortable with each other. It's as if we'd known each other a long time. I fell for him, and was sure that T would fall for me too.
One day in August, I subconsciously revealed my feelings for him when I gave him a more intimate than usual hug. T gently told me that he couldn't return my feelings, mainly because he still had some feelings with his last ex, with whom he broke up with a month before he met me. I was shattered and sobbed into his arms. A couple of days later, the full hurt of the rejection (he had also mentioned that I reminded him a lot of that ex) kicked in so badly that I had to leave work early and go home. I needed to talk to him badly to clarify things but simply couldn't reach him. I thought he was ignoring me and that tormented me further. When he finally returned my call, I yelled at him and cried, spewing all kinds of bullshit that did not make sense. He got shocked and angry and argued back. When the call ended, I realized the horrible mistake I made and felt even worse than before. I texted my best friend who is studying abroad and told her everything. We worked things out slowly over the next few days, trying to understand my feelings and T's feelings and how actions on both sides had culminated to the meltdown that day. I eventually met him about a couple of weeks later to apologize and clarify certain things. We hugged and forgave each other.
I wish I could say that we then returned back to being the close friends that we were before. T and I tried but over time it emerged that we had different expectations of our relationship. I still loved T and wanted him. T thought I just had a crush that I would soon get over quickly. There were several underlying tensions as well, like how I tended to beat myself up over yelling at T in August. T was also facing personal problems of his own. One day in October, we ended up arguing again, albeit not as heated as the angry phone conversation in August. We managed to part on an amicable note, however, with the agreement that I would meet T again when I was ready to. More long conversations with my best mate followed to make sense of the whole messy situation. My wonderful best mate realized that both T and I suffered from a lack of self-love and self-compassion, which contributed to feelings of unresolved guilt on both sides. Her advice (I swear, if not for my best mate's unconditional support, I would most certainly have sunk into a depression) was that I took the next few weeks learning to be mindful of my feelings. That is, learn to stop beating myself up over past mistakes and accept my feelings for T instead of suppressing them like they were something to be guilty of. It wasn't easy, but I did eventually learn to be kind and loving to myself. I felt so much better after the paradigm shift. During this time of blooming self-love, T and I never communicated at all. I needed my own space and I understood intuitively that he did as well.
A month and a half passed. I was ready to initiate contact with T again. I messaged him and asked if he'd like to meet before I went overseas for a holiday towards the end of the month. 5 days later, he still did not reply, which was strange as he normally replied within 2 or 3 days, even during that tense period right after I yelled at him over the phone. I messaged him again explaining why I felt ready to meet and asking if he was free the next day. Still no reply. Angry, hurt and worried, I discussed with my best mate why T was ignoring me. The hunch I came up with was that while I might be ready to meet T, he might not be ready to meet me, but he did not want to tell me this. It sounded very plausible to me but I needed to be sure. The next day, I mustered the courage to give him an unexpected phone call around lunchtime and had one of the most memorable phone conversations in my life:
(As I don't remember every word that was spoken, most of this conversation has been paraphrased and shortened.)
T: Hello?
I: T, this is (my name). Are you all right?
T: Huh? Errrr...yea, I'm fine.
I: Oh, that's great!
T: Mmmmhmmm. I didn't know it was you, the caller ID stated "private". (What I did was that I called T using my house phone instead of mobile phone, as I was a little afraid he might ignore my phone call if he knew I was calling).
I: Uh-huh. Did you get my messages?
T: ......Yes.
I: OK......but you never replied?
T: Look, now is not a good time, I am really busy with work.
I: You have to go back to work on a Sunday again? Man, I figured that this month being December, things would have wound down. People are taking leave left right and center, but you still have to work on a Sunday?
T: Yes, I have to. Look, actually, it's not just because I'm busy that I can't meet you. The main reason is that these days, I feel an emotional pressure when I'm around you. I feel like I have to watch my actions and words, because I don't know how you might take them (As an example, which he mentioned in October, he did not know if the casual gesture of an arm around my shoulders or a hug could be taken by me to mean that he returned my feelings). I feel that I need to be careful with your feelings or you might get the wrong idea. Having to bear all these in mind is too stressful, especially when I'm bogged down with work, that is why I can't meet you. Look, my friends told me to be frank with you about my feelings, so I'm just being ... frank.
I: I see. It's a little sad to know that things have gone down this way. We were not like that at all when we first met.
T (sadly): I know.
I (sadly): Am I really such an ...... emotional bomb? So, does this mean that I should never ever contact you ever again?
T: We can still meet and keep in touch. Just in limited quantities.
I: Oh ...... To be honest, I'm not surprised to hear most of what you just said.
T (surprised): Really?
I: Yes. When you never replied to my messages, I knew something was amiss. It is not like you to take so long to reply to my messages. So I eventually figured that while I might be ready to meet you, you might not be emotionally ready to meet me. It's either that, or something happened to you that prevented you from replying. I needed to be sure so I had to call you.
T:......
I: Sigh. I was annoyed and angry at you for ignoring my messages ......
T (softly): You have every right to be.
I:...... in the end, however, I guess I became more worried about you. I really thought something might have happened to you that prevented you from replying!
T: I'm sorry.
I: It's OK. But please, next time if you cannot meet, just say so.
T: Sure.
I: You know, if my being calm throughout this conversation doesn't show that I'm well and truly OK this time as compared to my insecure self back in October, I don't know what would. Heck, I've recently been told in the face by my boss that I might have to leave my job this year......
T: WHY?
I (surprised that T cared enough to actually ask): Well, it's a complicated story, but essentially there has been a big mismatch of expectations.
T: If you've been doing your job well and delivering results on time, there shouldn't be any trouble. Have you been doing anything wild like cartwheeling around the office? (A common example we usually bring up when referring to my high energy levels. I love pulling off cartwheels.)
I: Heck no! The office is too small and cramped for that anyway.
T: You must have accidentally offended someone.
I: Errrrr, T, in the private sector, if I bypass one level of hierarchy in order to get to the next, would people get offended?
T: ....... What do you think?
I: Well, in a big organization like mine with lots of layers......
T: The answer is yes! It's like that with any organization! The people in the middle would get offended, and they are the ones who have a more direct say when it comes to your appraisal.
I (sheepishly): Point taken,
T: OK, don't do this again.
I (cheerily): Well, given the chance that I might end up leaving my job next year either on my own accord or if my organization asks me too ...... Is (T's firm) hiring?
T: Yeah I guess so. Check the website. The jobs that you could apply for depends on your qualifications.
I: First Class Honours in International Relations.
T: Unlikely that we have anything International Relations specific. But you could try the advisory positions.
I: Thanks mate.
T: Just some advice: begin your job search early.
I: Sure, thanks! Well, I'd best leave you to continue with your work. I'll contact you ...... sometime next year? Perhaps around March after I hear from my organization on whether they will let me stay or not?
T: Yea. If you need help with jobs, you can ask me.
I: OK thanks!
T: Enjoy your holiday next week.
I: Yea, you have a good trip back home next week. Take care and Happy New Year!
T (more cheery): Thanks, and Merry Christmas!
I: Cheers! Bye!
T: Bye!
And that was our last conversation together just three days ago: frank, amicable and no hostilities. We even wished each other Merry Christmas and Happy New Year at the end. Despite all the drama that happened between us, the conversation revealed that deep down, we still cared for each other. I had good reason to be angry at T for ignoring my messages but in the end, my concern for him overwhelmed everything else. I'm not even angry anymore, as I now realize that T was in a difficult position to begin with: he did not know how to be friends with someone who is in love with him and reciprocate my feelings. On T's part, he never cut me off completely when I asked if he wanted me to sever all contact. Instead, he did say we can continue to meet as well as stay in touch. He even gave me career advice and offered to help. I am grateful and contented.
It's ironic that all the heartache, drama and turmoil that happened over the past few months were caused by......love. Yet, it was also love that prevented this relationship from falling apart completely. Do I regret falling for T in the first place? I regret the drama unleashed by revealing my feelings a little too early, but I have no regrets about loving T. I still love him even now. Despite everything, T is a beautiful friend with whom I share many fond memories. He has his own inner demons to fight, but I empathize with him on some levels and do not believe that he is the bastard he sometimes portrays himself to be. I just wish that I could have given him a big tender hug before I leave for my trip next week.
I look forward to the new beginnings 2015 will bring. One of my New Year Resolutions would be to continue my best mate's advice to practice mindfulness, while also developing a more loving soul. Not just for myself, but also for all the people I care about. I can't wait to meet T again when I finally reach that stage.
We met under the most random circumstances: I happened to sit next to him at the lobby of the school where I used to take Japanese lessons, one Saturday afternoon in May. He, bored of waiting for his friend to finish her class, started asking me about the classes at the school. We ended up talking for the next three hours when we found out that we had so much in common. Same university, same interest in anime, same dislike for durians, just to name a few. When I had to leave, I exchanged phone numbers with T (as he shall be referred to henceforth, since both his given name and surname begin with the letter 'T') and promised to meet again.
Over the next few months, we met up several times and grew comfortable with each other quickly. We'd lie on the ground next to each other, wrapped our arms around each others' shoulders, or grabbed hold of each others' hands. And talked and laughed. I slowly fell in love with him, this man just a year older than I with boyish good looks and a roguish charm. Oh, we had differences, but they were mainly surface level ones: he is Malaysian while I'm Singaporean, he works in the private sector while I work in the public sector etc. He is not the perfect guy either: he can be an annoying prick at times and he has a short temper like me. Yet, all differences and imperfections were insignificant because we felt so comfortable with each other. It's as if we'd known each other a long time. I fell for him, and was sure that T would fall for me too.
One day in August, I subconsciously revealed my feelings for him when I gave him a more intimate than usual hug. T gently told me that he couldn't return my feelings, mainly because he still had some feelings with his last ex, with whom he broke up with a month before he met me. I was shattered and sobbed into his arms. A couple of days later, the full hurt of the rejection (he had also mentioned that I reminded him a lot of that ex) kicked in so badly that I had to leave work early and go home. I needed to talk to him badly to clarify things but simply couldn't reach him. I thought he was ignoring me and that tormented me further. When he finally returned my call, I yelled at him and cried, spewing all kinds of bullshit that did not make sense. He got shocked and angry and argued back. When the call ended, I realized the horrible mistake I made and felt even worse than before. I texted my best friend who is studying abroad and told her everything. We worked things out slowly over the next few days, trying to understand my feelings and T's feelings and how actions on both sides had culminated to the meltdown that day. I eventually met him about a couple of weeks later to apologize and clarify certain things. We hugged and forgave each other.
I wish I could say that we then returned back to being the close friends that we were before. T and I tried but over time it emerged that we had different expectations of our relationship. I still loved T and wanted him. T thought I just had a crush that I would soon get over quickly. There were several underlying tensions as well, like how I tended to beat myself up over yelling at T in August. T was also facing personal problems of his own. One day in October, we ended up arguing again, albeit not as heated as the angry phone conversation in August. We managed to part on an amicable note, however, with the agreement that I would meet T again when I was ready to. More long conversations with my best mate followed to make sense of the whole messy situation. My wonderful best mate realized that both T and I suffered from a lack of self-love and self-compassion, which contributed to feelings of unresolved guilt on both sides. Her advice (I swear, if not for my best mate's unconditional support, I would most certainly have sunk into a depression) was that I took the next few weeks learning to be mindful of my feelings. That is, learn to stop beating myself up over past mistakes and accept my feelings for T instead of suppressing them like they were something to be guilty of. It wasn't easy, but I did eventually learn to be kind and loving to myself. I felt so much better after the paradigm shift. During this time of blooming self-love, T and I never communicated at all. I needed my own space and I understood intuitively that he did as well.
A month and a half passed. I was ready to initiate contact with T again. I messaged him and asked if he'd like to meet before I went overseas for a holiday towards the end of the month. 5 days later, he still did not reply, which was strange as he normally replied within 2 or 3 days, even during that tense period right after I yelled at him over the phone. I messaged him again explaining why I felt ready to meet and asking if he was free the next day. Still no reply. Angry, hurt and worried, I discussed with my best mate why T was ignoring me. The hunch I came up with was that while I might be ready to meet T, he might not be ready to meet me, but he did not want to tell me this. It sounded very plausible to me but I needed to be sure. The next day, I mustered the courage to give him an unexpected phone call around lunchtime and had one of the most memorable phone conversations in my life:
(As I don't remember every word that was spoken, most of this conversation has been paraphrased and shortened.)
T: Hello?
I: T, this is (my name). Are you all right?
T: Huh? Errrr...yea, I'm fine.
I: Oh, that's great!
T: Mmmmhmmm. I didn't know it was you, the caller ID stated "private". (What I did was that I called T using my house phone instead of mobile phone, as I was a little afraid he might ignore my phone call if he knew I was calling).
I: Uh-huh. Did you get my messages?
T: ......Yes.
I: OK......but you never replied?
T: Look, now is not a good time, I am really busy with work.
I: You have to go back to work on a Sunday again? Man, I figured that this month being December, things would have wound down. People are taking leave left right and center, but you still have to work on a Sunday?
T: Yes, I have to. Look, actually, it's not just because I'm busy that I can't meet you. The main reason is that these days, I feel an emotional pressure when I'm around you. I feel like I have to watch my actions and words, because I don't know how you might take them (As an example, which he mentioned in October, he did not know if the casual gesture of an arm around my shoulders or a hug could be taken by me to mean that he returned my feelings). I feel that I need to be careful with your feelings or you might get the wrong idea. Having to bear all these in mind is too stressful, especially when I'm bogged down with work, that is why I can't meet you. Look, my friends told me to be frank with you about my feelings, so I'm just being ... frank.
I: I see. It's a little sad to know that things have gone down this way. We were not like that at all when we first met.
T (sadly): I know.
I (sadly): Am I really such an ...... emotional bomb? So, does this mean that I should never ever contact you ever again?
T: We can still meet and keep in touch. Just in limited quantities.
I: Oh ...... To be honest, I'm not surprised to hear most of what you just said.
T (surprised): Really?
I: Yes. When you never replied to my messages, I knew something was amiss. It is not like you to take so long to reply to my messages. So I eventually figured that while I might be ready to meet you, you might not be emotionally ready to meet me. It's either that, or something happened to you that prevented you from replying. I needed to be sure so I had to call you.
T:......
I: Sigh. I was annoyed and angry at you for ignoring my messages ......
T (softly): You have every right to be.
I:...... in the end, however, I guess I became more worried about you. I really thought something might have happened to you that prevented you from replying!
T: I'm sorry.
I: It's OK. But please, next time if you cannot meet, just say so.
T: Sure.
I: You know, if my being calm throughout this conversation doesn't show that I'm well and truly OK this time as compared to my insecure self back in October, I don't know what would. Heck, I've recently been told in the face by my boss that I might have to leave my job this year......
T: WHY?
I (surprised that T cared enough to actually ask): Well, it's a complicated story, but essentially there has been a big mismatch of expectations.
T: If you've been doing your job well and delivering results on time, there shouldn't be any trouble. Have you been doing anything wild like cartwheeling around the office? (A common example we usually bring up when referring to my high energy levels. I love pulling off cartwheels.)
I: Heck no! The office is too small and cramped for that anyway.
T: You must have accidentally offended someone.
I: Errrrr, T, in the private sector, if I bypass one level of hierarchy in order to get to the next, would people get offended?
T: ....... What do you think?
I: Well, in a big organization like mine with lots of layers......
T: The answer is yes! It's like that with any organization! The people in the middle would get offended, and they are the ones who have a more direct say when it comes to your appraisal.
I (sheepishly): Point taken,
T: OK, don't do this again.
I (cheerily): Well, given the chance that I might end up leaving my job next year either on my own accord or if my organization asks me too ...... Is (T's firm) hiring?
T: Yeah I guess so. Check the website. The jobs that you could apply for depends on your qualifications.
I: First Class Honours in International Relations.
T: Unlikely that we have anything International Relations specific. But you could try the advisory positions.
I: Thanks mate.
T: Just some advice: begin your job search early.
I: Sure, thanks! Well, I'd best leave you to continue with your work. I'll contact you ...... sometime next year? Perhaps around March after I hear from my organization on whether they will let me stay or not?
T: Yea. If you need help with jobs, you can ask me.
I: OK thanks!
T: Enjoy your holiday next week.
I: Yea, you have a good trip back home next week. Take care and Happy New Year!
T (more cheery): Thanks, and Merry Christmas!
I: Cheers! Bye!
T: Bye!
And that was our last conversation together just three days ago: frank, amicable and no hostilities. We even wished each other Merry Christmas and Happy New Year at the end. Despite all the drama that happened between us, the conversation revealed that deep down, we still cared for each other. I had good reason to be angry at T for ignoring my messages but in the end, my concern for him overwhelmed everything else. I'm not even angry anymore, as I now realize that T was in a difficult position to begin with: he did not know how to be friends with someone who is in love with him and reciprocate my feelings. On T's part, he never cut me off completely when I asked if he wanted me to sever all contact. Instead, he did say we can continue to meet as well as stay in touch. He even gave me career advice and offered to help. I am grateful and contented.
It's ironic that all the heartache, drama and turmoil that happened over the past few months were caused by......love. Yet, it was also love that prevented this relationship from falling apart completely. Do I regret falling for T in the first place? I regret the drama unleashed by revealing my feelings a little too early, but I have no regrets about loving T. I still love him even now. Despite everything, T is a beautiful friend with whom I share many fond memories. He has his own inner demons to fight, but I empathize with him on some levels and do not believe that he is the bastard he sometimes portrays himself to be. I just wish that I could have given him a big tender hug before I leave for my trip next week.
I look forward to the new beginnings 2015 will bring. One of my New Year Resolutions would be to continue my best mate's advice to practice mindfulness, while also developing a more loving soul. Not just for myself, but also for all the people I care about. I can't wait to meet T again when I finally reach that stage.
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