The rejection

A few days ago, I got an email saying that my application for a summer research scholarship was unsuccessful.

During the weeks of waiting for an email on the outcome of my application, I did tell myself (and everyone who asked if I would be staying in Brisbane over the summer holidays) that I may or may not get the scholarship. That there are many other applicants, some who may be more qualified than me. That for some reason, the Faculty and the professors assessing the applicants may not pick me. I told myself that I shouldn't be too hopeful. But still, in my heart, I continued to do so. I guess I just wanted the scholarship badly: if successful, I would get to work with some professors on a project topic I was really keen on and wanted to explore deeply in my further studies. I also felt that I did deserve the scholarship: I have good grades as well as some experience working with a researcher back in Singapore. Secretly, I expected to get the scholarship in the end.

So when I received my rejection email, you can imagine how disappointed I was.

I tried to shrug off the disappointment. I told myself it really didn't matter, that it meant that I could avoid the blistering Queensland summer, that I could return to Singapore and see my family, that I have so much to look forward to now that I get to spend summer in Singapore ... I even went out for dinner and had some comfort food, which sort of helped. But like before, I was trying to suppress my true feelings.That this rejection did hurt, that I was not merely disappointed but crushed.

My true feelings only burst forth that night when I spoke to my Mum on the phone about the rejection. As I talked, a tear trickled down, and then I started crying, ranting and swearing at the Faculty and the professors. Mum was somewhat surprised at what she probably thought was an over-reaction. She offered words of comfort and empathy, saying that this rejection does not reflect badly on me and that it was simply that there were other applicants who were better. I felt much better after my rant and a good talk with Mum.

Now, I've pretty much gotten over this. Sure, I still feel a little envious of whoever it was who got the scholarship. But in the end, it really doesn't matter that much. I feel a bit silly now for acting like it was the end of the world. Thinking about this more deeply, I think that the rejection was a sort of wake-up call. For some time, I have had this feeling that I'm becoming rather self-centred. As in, I have been too preoccupied with working towards my own personal goals and ambitions such as getting this summer scholarship, and as a result I think less about my family back home in Singapore. This rejection and the talk with my Mum made me realize that I may have eluded a personal goal I was striving for, but I still have a family to turn to when I'm down. A loving family that makes me feel better about myself, that does not have high expectations of me but trusts that I will perform my best in the endeavours I undertake, and is waiting to welcome me back home with open arms.

When I return to Singapore this summer, I want to go out and have a delicious meal with my family, like we would do every weekend. I would go shopping with my Mum and hang out with friends I haven't seen for ages. I will be there for my cousin's wedding. I will be able to come for the short visit to Hong Kong Dad's organizing at the end of the year, and while at Hong Kong we'd stuff ourselves with prawn won ton noodles and dim sum like we did on our last trip, plus I'd get to see my grandparents. And next year, for the first time since I started university in Australia, I will be present in Singapore for the Chinese New Year celebrations.

I'm really looking forward to coming home this summer now.