My 2015

On this last day of 2015, I feel rather old.

I wonder how many of my peers have gone through as many ups and downs (in terms of career especially) as I have. I look at their Facebook updates and LinkedIn profiles, and see that many of them seem to be doing pretty well for themselves.

Me? Well. I've had 3 jobs just this year alone: leaving the civil service in April after working there for 1 year, a brief stint in a place where I quickly realized that the environment was terrible, and my internship at a PR agency that did not work out. I sometimes think of my peers who have a few years of work experiences under their belts already and feel envious.

I don't think I am a loser compared to them though. While some folks might be aghast at my, ahem, job promiscuity, I believe the twists and turns in my career path have made me a strong hustler. Perhaps it is not such a bad thing to fail several times early in my young adult life. I am now used to the sting of rejections. Change does not really faze me. I feel at ease with networking with people in my field and related fields. The vicissitudes I faced in my career and life were not easy to handle but all of them brought me here today: a tougher and sharper hustler.

I expect to continue hustling in 2016, with the main aim of establishing my career in a particular field. I will also make a conscious effort to cultivate other areas in my life e.g. social, health, finances. I know that awesome and wonderful things await me, and that I just have to strive for them.

Here's wishing y'all a Happy New Year!

Until we meet again soon

About a year ago, we had an argument about my being in love with him. At one point, he remarked, "You should go find some other nicer guy. You'll have no problems finding a guy, you're attractive..."

I flinched a little, and snapped "You're just being sarcastic, aren't you?"

"No, I am not. And don't take me wrong, telling you that you are attractive is not to say that I have feelings for you." He replied.

I mulled over this a little. "So what you are saying is, objectively speaking, I am attractive."

"Yes." He said.

We sorted out the argument eventually, and remained friends.

In June this year, I met up with T for the first time in months. We had a good time catching up over lunch. Just before we parted, I managed to muster the courage to say, "Wait, there's something that I've been wanting to tell you for a while."

"What is it?" He asked.

"I don't know if you still remember this, but sometime towards the end of last year, you told me I was attractive." I said.

"I remember." He replied. That took me by surprise.

"Well, I 'd just like to say, thank you." I said. "All my life, I've been told by countless people that I am cute. Whatever that means. Sometimes, people tell me that I am pretty. But no one has ever told me that I am attractive."

He smiled a little. "Don't they all mean the same thing? Oh, wait, 'cute' is different from 'pretty' and 'attractive'..."

"Thank you, anyway." I grinned, and patted him on the shoulder, before we parted ways.

Sometimes, I wonder if I should have said a little more that day. Maybe ask if he still thinks I am attractive. Maybe tell him that he, too, is attractive even after all these months. Then, I realize that leaving on that good note was probably the best thing to do. Take it slow. Don't rush things that were carefully rebuilt over time.

I'll see you around again, T.

And death shall have no dominion

And death shall have no dominion.
Dead men naked they shall be one
With the man in the wind and the west moon; 
When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone,
They shall have stars at elbow and foot; 
Though they go mad they shall be sane,
Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again; 
Though lovers be lost love shall not; 
And death shall have no dominion.

From "And Death Shall have No Dominion", by Dylan Thomas

I'm back from Hong Kong. I never thought I'd return to Hong Kong again so soon after my recent trip this year, but I had to. My Grandpa (more affectionately known as "Gramps") passed away in the wee hours of 5 October, so we returned to Hong Kong over the weekend and Monday for the funeral and wake.

Before we went to Hong Kong, I volunteered to read the poem "And Death Shall have No Dominion" by famous Welsh poet Dylan Thomas for the eulogy. I'm normally quite nervous about public speaking actually. The last time I ever recited a poem before an audience was when I attended Speech and Drama lessons during my primary school days. This time, however, I volunteered readily to be my family's "unofficial spokesperson" and recite a poem that would represent our thoughts about our beloved Gramps' passing. I chose "And Death Shall have No Dominion" because it struck a chord in me the first time I read it during the week of national mourning when Mr Lee Kuan Yew passed away.

I am glad I did. I felt just a bit nervous when I stood behind the podium and made my short introduction, but the nervousness melted away as I recited. Thomas's poem is a thoroughly beautiful piece that evokes vivid imagery in a romantic kind of way, while paying tribute to the victory of life and the human spirit over death. This is truly what my family and I hope for Gramps. Up until the onset of his dementia and the subsequent deterioration of his mental and physical health a few years ago, Gramps had been a gentle and kindly man who was a beloved part of my brother's childhood and mine. To say that the deterioration of his health left him a shadow of his former self was an understatement. He shrunk to a bony figure who I could barely recognized and who could not recognize me or my family at all. When he passed away this month, my Ma kept saying that it must have been a relief for him to be finally free from suffering. We like to think that Gramps is in a better place now, a happy place where he has "stars at elbow and foot" and where death, pain and suffering have no dominion.

At the end of my recital, I bowed in the direction of Gramps's coffin. In a way, reciting the poem out loud before an audience was like an open affirmation of my belief of the unconquerable nature of the human spirit. There was a brief moment later at the cremation site, when I faltered and desperately thought "Is this truly farewell, now?" as I watched the coffin bearing Gramps moving into the cremator. I quickly murmured to myself "Though lovers be lost love shall not, and death shall have no dominion" as Gramps slowly disappeared from view. It was a truly meaningful poem, like a talisman we hold against our hearts in the face of sadness and loss.

My family and I stepped out into the sunlight and took the bus back to the city in silence and with a sense of closure.

Happy birthday :D

EIGHT YEAR OLD ME IS SO CUTE AND SWEET !!!

Still am :P

Happy birthday kid, keep smiling that goofy megawatt smile. Years later, people will tell you that they remember you for it. So stay smiley :D

A short tribute to Coke, the good bloke

Our Mini Schnauzer, Coke, passed away peacefully this evening.

He was 14.5 years old.

This photo, taken by my best mate, shows Coke as how I want to remember him: a happy and mild-mannered bloke. He was like that most of his long life (Mini Schnauzers generally have a life span of 12 to 14 years), until recently when old age and illness weakened him. He took a sudden turn for the worse a week ago. I was there till the end.

Rest in peace, my good bloke Coke, you are free from pain and in a better place now.

We love you.

Till I am ready

I ran into T on the way home from work earlier this month.

It was the most random encounter. That evening, I took the wrong bus and ended up in the Bugis area instead of Boon Keng. As I made my way towards Bugis station, I saw a familiar face among the crowd. Mmmm, looks like T, I sleepily thought to myself. A second look jolted me out of my tired state. It really was T! Panic, joy, surprise. I managed to get a grip on myself and called out his name. He stopped in his tracks.

T was with a mate of his, a really nice lady who I met briefly last year. She recognized me too. Both were just as amazed to run into me as I was. The first thing T said was something like how he did not expect to meet me in Bugis as my office was further away. I sheepishly told him that I took the wrong bus. He laughed and said that I should have asked the bus driver for a refund of the bus fare. We caught up a little on how I had been doing since we last spoke. He asked if I was still having that trouble I had with my bosses late last year, and was glad when I told him that things were better now. Unfortunately, I was unable to stay long to chat with T and his mate. The conversation was about 10 mins because I needed to rush home for dinner. So I didn't get to ask T much on how he was doing. I remarked that he had cut his hair shorter, and he laughed sheepishly. He definitely sounded better than when we last spoke over the phone in December last year; he sounded stressed and tired back then. It had been about three months since we last met and he looks well now too. Still boyishly handsome.

On the train home, I relished our sudden encounter. It was, admittedly, rather awkward. Neither of us had expected to run into each other just a month after we last spoke. The randomness of the meeting reminded me of how we first met; back then we also happened to be at the right place at the right time. I think that the awkwardness did not just come from the randomness of the encounter, but also the mutual, unspoken knowledge of what happened between us last year. T's mate's presence helped to diffuse the awkwardness a little. Though I do believe that if not for her being around, my conversation with T would have been more heartfelt.

I told my best mate about my encounter with T and she asked an important question: how did I feel after that random encounter about meeting T again. I truthfully answered that as of now, I did not feel ready to have a one-on-one meeting with him very soon. I might need a few more months because I felt that I needed to be better myself first before  I could see him again. This was because the last time we met about three months ago, I was still feeling insecure about myself and how I related to other people, which was one reason why we ended up arguing. I wanted to avoid something like that happening again. Even though I am doing much better now than  last year, I realized that there are still some lingering vulnerabilities  and I need some more time to heal. I need to develop more self-love and self-compassion. I need more confidence and swag to deal with the challenges that life throws at me. Ultimately, I must care and love myself first, before I can properly care and love others.

I am very happy that I got a chance to meet T again this month. Despite the awkwardness, we could still laugh and have a happy, lighthearted conversation. It made me realize how much I miss him and still care for him. I would very much love another chance to have a meeting with him again, preferably one-on-one. First, though, I need to work on developing a better self.

Like a horse, forever and always

When 2014 first began, my best mate and I were pretty excited about the fact that it was the Year of the Horse. See, the Horse is our Zodiac sign. 2014 was therefore our year. Our year to shine; our year to conquer like a boss. Or, "like a horse!" as the 2 of us prefer to say.

So has 2014 really been my year? Depends  on how you look at it I reckon. On one hand, I achieved some pretty big personal milestones. I scored my first full time job. Took on the challenge of working in a new and dynamic department. This one isn't really a milestone in the sense of a personal achievement, but still worth mentioning: I fell in love again. On the other hand, each of the aforementioned  milestones came with their own set of difficult challenges. My first full time job exposed how I was not as prepared as I thought I was for the working world. Being in a dynamic work environment made it even more challenging to adapt fast and keep up. As for love, well, it was tumultuous to say the least. 

So I can't really say that 2014 was my year to shone and that I owned it. Especially since some of the challenges got so overwhelming that I nearly fell into depression several times. But that's OK. 2014 was still meaningful and memorable, in this sense:

I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that—I don't mind people being happy—but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It's a really odd thing that we're now seeing people saying "write down three things that made you happy today before you go to sleep" and "cheer up" and "happiness is our birthright" and so on. We're kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position. It's rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don't teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say, "Quick! Move on! Cheer up!" I'd like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word "happiness" and to replace it with the word "wholeness." Ask yourself, "Is this contributing to my wholeness?" and if you're having a bad day, it is.

—Hugh MacKay, author of The Good Life

It is such a relief to read this and know that despite almost hitting rock bottom in 2014, the year can be considered a very wholesone one. In fact, I feel that I have grown up so much and so fast this year.

The Year of Horse may be about to give way to the Year of the Goat in a few minues' time, but I am going to keep up the upbeat "like a horse!" mentality. It served me well this years and got me through so many challenges. I'm definitely gonna need it again to take on 2015, and beyond.

Happy New Year everyone!

A love story

I fell in love with a friend this year.

We met under the most random circumstances: I happened to sit next to him at the lobby of the school where I used to take Japanese lessons, one Saturday afternoon in May. He, bored of waiting for his friend to finish her class, started asking me about the classes at the school. We ended up talking for the next three hours when we found out that we had so much in common. Same university, same interest in anime, same dislike for durians, just to name a few. When I had to leave, I exchanged phone numbers with T (as he shall be referred to henceforth, since both his given name and surname begin with the letter 'T') and promised to meet again.

Over the next few months, we met up several times and grew comfortable with each other quickly. We'd lie on the ground next to each other, wrapped our arms around each others' shoulders, or grabbed hold of each others' hands. And talked and laughed. I slowly fell in love with him, this man just a year older than I with boyish good looks and a roguish charm. Oh, we had differences, but they were mainly surface level ones: he is Malaysian while I'm Singaporean, he works in the private sector while I work in the public sector etc. He is not the perfect guy either: he can be an annoying prick at times and he has a short temper like me. Yet, all differences and imperfections were insignificant because we felt so comfortable with each other. It's as if we'd known each other a long time. I fell for him, and was sure that T would fall for me too.

One day in August, I subconsciously revealed my feelings for him when I gave him a more intimate than usual hug. T gently told me that he couldn't return my feelings, mainly because he still had some feelings with his last ex, with whom he broke up with a month before he met me. I was shattered and sobbed into his arms. A couple of days later, the full hurt of the rejection (he had also mentioned that I reminded him a lot of that ex) kicked in so badly that I had to leave work early and go home. I needed to talk to him badly to clarify things but simply couldn't reach him. I thought he was ignoring me and that tormented me further. When he finally returned my call, I yelled at him and cried, spewing all kinds of bullshit that did not make sense. He got shocked and angry and argued back. When the call ended, I realized the horrible mistake I made and felt even worse than before. I texted my best friend who is studying abroad and told her everything. We worked things out slowly over the next few days, trying to understand my feelings and T's feelings and how actions on both sides had culminated to the meltdown that day. I eventually met him about a couple of weeks later to apologize and clarify certain things. We hugged and forgave each other.

I wish I could say that we then returned back to being the close friends that we were before. T and I tried but over time it emerged that we had different expectations of our relationship. I still loved T and wanted him. T thought I just had a crush that I would soon get over quickly. There were several underlying tensions as well, like how I tended to beat myself up over yelling at T in August. T was also facing personal problems of his own. One day in October, we ended up arguing again, albeit not as heated as the angry phone conversation in August. We managed to part on an amicable note, however, with the agreement that I would meet T again when I was ready to. More long conversations with my best mate followed to make sense of the whole messy situation. My wonderful best mate realized that both T and I suffered from a lack of self-love and self-compassion, which contributed to feelings of unresolved guilt on both sides. Her advice (I swear, if not for my best mate's unconditional support, I would most certainly have sunk into a depression) was that I took the next few weeks learning to be mindful of my feelings. That is, learn to stop beating myself up over past mistakes and accept my feelings for T instead of suppressing them like they were something to be guilty of.  It wasn't easy, but I did eventually learn to be kind and loving to myself. I felt so much better after the paradigm shift. During this time of blooming self-love, T and I never communicated at all. I needed my own space and I understood intuitively that he did as well.

A month and a half passed. I was ready to initiate contact with T again. I messaged him and asked if he'd like to meet before I went overseas for a holiday towards the end of the month. 5 days later, he still did not reply, which was strange as he normally replied within 2 or 3 days, even during that tense period right after I yelled at him over the phone. I messaged him again explaining why I felt ready to meet and asking if he was free the next day. Still no reply. Angry, hurt and worried, I discussed with my best mate why T was ignoring me. The hunch I came up with was that while I might be ready to meet T, he might not be ready to meet me, but he did not want to tell me this. It sounded very plausible to me but I needed to be sure. The next day, I mustered the courage to give him an unexpected phone call around lunchtime and had one of the most memorable phone conversations in my life:


(As I don't remember every word that was spoken, most of this conversation has been paraphrased and shortened.)

T: Hello?

I: T, this is (my name). Are you all right?

T: Huh? Errrr...yea, I'm fine.

I: Oh, that's great!

T: Mmmmhmmm. I didn't know it was you, the caller ID stated "private". (What I did was that I called T using my house phone instead of mobile phone, as I was a little afraid he might ignore my phone call if he knew I was calling).

I: Uh-huh. Did you get my messages?

T: ......Yes.

I: OK......but you never replied?

T: Look, now is not a good time, I am really busy with work.

I: You have to go back to work on a Sunday again? Man, I figured that this month being December, things would have wound down. People are taking leave left right and center, but you still have to work on a Sunday?

T: Yes, I have to. Look, actually, it's not just because I'm busy that I can't meet you. The main reason is that these days, I feel an emotional pressure when I'm around you. I feel like I have to watch my actions and words, because I don't know how you might take them (As an example, which he mentioned in October, he did not know if the casual gesture of an arm around my shoulders or a hug could be taken by me to mean that he returned my feelings). I feel that I need to be careful with your feelings or you might get the wrong idea. Having to bear all these in mind is too stressful, especially when I'm bogged down with work, that is why I can't meet you. Look, my friends told me to be frank with you about my feelings, so I'm just being ... frank.

I: I see. It's a little sad to know that things have gone down this way. We were not like that at all when we first met.

T (sadly): I know.

I (sadly): Am I really such an ...... emotional bomb? So, does this mean that I should never ever contact you ever again?

T: We can still meet and keep in touch. Just in limited quantities.

I: Oh ...... To be honest, I'm not surprised to hear most of what you just said.

T (surprised): Really?

I: Yes. When you never replied to my messages, I knew something was amiss. It is not like you to take so long to reply to my messages. So I eventually figured that while I might be ready to meet you, you might not be emotionally ready to meet me. It's either that, or something happened to you that prevented you from replying. I needed to be sure so I had to call you.

T:......

I: Sigh. I was annoyed and angry at you for ignoring my messages ......

T (softly): You have every right to be.

I:...... in the end, however, I guess I became more worried about you. I really thought something might have happened to you that prevented you from replying!

T: I'm sorry.

I: It's OK. But please, next time if you cannot meet, just say so.

T: Sure.

I: You know, if my being calm throughout this conversation doesn't show that I'm well and truly OK this time as compared to my insecure self back in October, I don't know what would. Heck, I've recently been told in the face by my boss that I might have to leave my job this year......

T: WHY?

I (surprised that T cared enough to actually ask): Well, it's a complicated story, but essentially there has been a big mismatch of expectations.

T: If you've been doing your job well and delivering results on time, there shouldn't be any trouble. Have you been doing anything wild like cartwheeling around the office? (A common example we usually bring up when referring to my high energy levels. I love pulling off cartwheels.)

I: Heck no! The office is too small and cramped for that anyway.

T: You must have accidentally offended someone.

I: Errrrr, T, in the private sector, if I bypass one level of hierarchy in order to get to the next, would people get offended?

T: ....... What do you think?

I: Well, in a big organization like mine with lots of layers......

T: The answer is yes! It's like that with any organization! The people in the middle would get offended, and they are the ones who have a more direct say when it comes to your appraisal.

I (sheepishly): Point taken,

T: OK, don't do this again.

I (cheerily): Well, given the chance that I might end up leaving my job next year either on my own accord or if my organization asks me too ...... Is (T's firm) hiring?

T: Yeah I guess so. Check the website. The jobs that you could apply for depends on your qualifications.

I: First Class Honours in International Relations.

T: Unlikely that we have anything International Relations specific. But you could try the advisory positions.

I: Thanks mate.

T: Just some advice: begin your job search early.

I: Sure, thanks! Well, I'd best leave you to continue with your work. I'll contact you ...... sometime next year? Perhaps around March after I hear from my organization on whether they will let me stay or not?

T: Yea. If you need help with jobs, you can ask me.

I: OK thanks!

T: Enjoy your holiday next week.

I: Yea, you have a good trip back home next week. Take care and Happy New Year!

T (more cheery): Thanks, and Merry Christmas!

I: Cheers! Bye!

T: Bye!


And that was our last conversation together just three days ago: frank, amicable and no hostilities. We even wished each other Merry Christmas and Happy New Year at the end. Despite all the drama that happened between us, the conversation revealed that deep down, we still cared for each other. I had good reason to be angry at T for ignoring my messages but in the end, my concern for him overwhelmed everything else. I'm not even angry anymore, as I now realize that T was in a difficult position to begin with: he did not know how to be friends with someone who is in love with him and reciprocate my feelings. On T's part, he never cut me off completely when I asked if he wanted me to sever all contact. Instead, he did say we can continue to meet as well as stay in touch. He even gave me career advice and offered to help. I am grateful and contented.

It's ironic that all the heartache, drama and turmoil that happened over the past few months were caused by......love. Yet, it was also love that prevented this relationship from falling apart completely. Do I regret falling for T in the first place? I regret the drama unleashed by revealing my feelings a little too early, but I have no regrets about loving T. I still love him even now. Despite everything, T is a beautiful friend with whom I share many fond memories. He has his own inner demons to fight, but I empathize with him on some levels and do not believe that he is the bastard he sometimes portrays himself to be. I just wish that I could have given him a big tender hug before I leave for my trip next week.

I look forward to the new beginnings 2015 will bring. One of my New Year Resolutions would be to continue my best mate's advice to practice mindfulness, while also developing a more loving soul. Not just for myself, but also for all the people I care about. I can't wait to meet T again when I finally reach that stage.

Out of the storm

There's too much to be said about what has happened in my life since I last posted here (and yes, I sheepishly acknowledge that it has been exactly 5 months since that last blog entry...).

So let me keep it short and simple: those 5 months have been challenging, to say the least. Okay, May, June and July were not that bad. I would love to forget that August 2014 ever happened though.

In August, I nearly hit rock bottom, and if it hadn't been for my family and my best friend, I think I would have sunk into a depression. What happened was that I fucked up on too many fronts. At work, I didn't just let people down by not delivering, but  made those mistakes a few times. There were various reasons for this, from difficulties adjusting to the organization culture to various disruptions to a particularly mean colleague, but the fact still remains that I did not deliver the work I was personally responsible for and disappointed people. Unfortunately, problems at work were not the only problems I had to deal with in August. There was also some...drama that I happened between someone I care about very much and I. I don't really want to go into details here, except to say that with the help of my wonderful best friend, I spent days firefighting the drama that erupted in my personal life.

Luckily for me, my parents (kudos to my Mum in particular) were there to advise me as I cleaned up the messes I made at work while my best friend provided valuable help and support as I tried to save a relationship that I almost wrecked. A 9 day holiday to Hong Kong and Taiwan with my family was the perfect opportunity to get away to get away from it all, have some much-needed fun and family-bonding time and rejuvenate myself.

Things are better for me this September. I worked hard getting my act together at work upon my return from overseas and am happy to report that I am finally progressing. All the drama between that someone and I have been resolved after a good heart-to-heart talk and we're back to being on good terms now.

I'm back here on this blog because I do want to continue chronicling those unique points in space and time in my life. Both the good and the bad. As I continue to work out my direction in life and find myself, it would help to be able to look back at some of those defining moments and see how far I've come and what mistakes I should not make again. If you have been following me all this while, I'm sorry for the lack of updates. Ultimately, I write for myself, which means that I write whenever there is something I really want to say. I would try to write more though, and not be so lazy about it or I would accumulate too many unrecorded memories as was the case over the past 5 months.

So, yes, I'm back :)

Happy Birthday

Hey gal,

Happy birthday from your future 2014 self :D There’re about 20 years separating us, and while I’d love to tell you all the cool stuff that happened in those two decades, I’ll just give you some advice with the benefit of hindsight.

To be brutally honest, the years ahead are gonna be difficult. Right now you think Hillary and Valerie being mean to you in kindergarten is the lousiest thing happening but their bitchiness (don’t repeat that word yet, you’re still too young to swear!) is NOT the worst that can happen. Oh no, you will suffer way more serious battering to your self-esteem in the form of cruel words that cut deep and people who let you down. It gets better after a few years but you will still find it difficult to shake off your social awkwardness. You end up going through an identity crisis of sorts.

Okay, I’m sorry, I hope I haven’t freaked you out. This is where it gets better: you WILL eventually learn to become confident in your own skin. You stop caring so much about what other people think and that is when you begin to truly blossom. You will be excited to know that you will go overseas for university and those years of living abroad independently will not just open your eyes to the world but also help you find yourself.

Where am I, the future you, now? Sorry to disappoint, but you did not become a school principal. I am a civil servant. It’s a dynamic job that involves interacting with lots of people of different backgrounds and I’m in my element here. Yep, lots of people. I know you are still so shy that you dare not order food by yourself because it means having to speak to strangers. Would you believe me if I said that the future you is actually way more extroverted, talks a little too much for her own good and uses a lot of pop culture references in her speech among other quirks? I swear we are the same person!

I don’t mean to say that it will be happily ever after in the end. That’s for the elderly me to say. Honestly, I’m still trying to find my place in this world and sometimes I feel afraid. What I do know, and what I want you to know too, is that you are tougher and more capable than you think so never let yourself be held back. The future looks less scary when you ask yourself what you could do if you were not afraid. The myriad untapped possibilities ahead are something you and I as one person can look forward to.

Happy birthday!

Cheers,

Your 2014 self

Let it go, let it go!

Elsa!


 

If you have not watched or even heard of Disney's mega animated musical film Frozen till now, well, have you been living under a rock a pile of snow?! To get an idea of how big a hit Frozen is, consider this: Frozen is the second highest grossing Disney movie ever made, behind the 1994 Disney classic The Lion King. Oh and it doesn't stop there. A Broadway musical and a whole franchise is now in the works, and Frozen may just win an Oscar for Best Animated Film next month (fingers crossed!).

For myself and many fans, Frozen's soundtrack is one of its biggest appeals. Frozen's catchy songs have received tens of thousands of views on YouTube and there are loads of covers of Frozen's songs in a variety of languages. Of its entire soundtrack, 'Let It Go' is surely the biggest hit and most popular of all:

'Let It Go' is sung by one of the main female protagonists Elsa, a princess born with the ability to create ice and snow, who flees her Kingdom after she accidently displayed her long-suppressed powers in full public view. She finds herself alone up the snowy mountains and decides heck it, I am tired of hiding who I really am so now that I am free I'll just embrace myself and my icy powers. Elsa builds a beautiful ice castle for herself from scratch and ends with transforming herself from head to toe into a Snow Queen, all the while belting out her joy at having "let it go". The song is basically an ode to liberation and self-empowerment.

Personally, this song really struck a chord. My absolute favourite moment of the song and film would be Elsa's metamorphosis from the old conservatively attired Elsa into the sexy Snow Queen clad in the gorgeous gown of ice crystals. "Let it go, let it go/ And I'll rise like the break of dawn/ Let it go, let it go/ That perfect girl is gone!" Wow. I loved that moment so much because: a) The new Elsa is drop-dead gorgeous and exudes such a sexy confidence b) More importantly, I could relate to Elsa's transformation so much.

If you have been reading my previous posts, you would know that the last few months of 2013 was a difficult period for me due to some personal challenges I was facing. In the process, I resolved to break away from the obstacles that bogged me down and transform myself. Like, screw social conventions and all my fears, I'm just going to embrace who I am. However, I did not intend to simply accept myself, oh no, that's hardly enough, I wanted to be a new and better version of myself. I wanted to be tough as nails yet carry myself with poise and confidence; I aspired to be a lady with the world at her feet and ready to take it on because she knows she can.

That's why I am so enamoured with Elsa's "Let It Go" performance and the physical transformation that accompanied it. I have watched this particular scene of the movie (as well as many variations of it) so many times because I can relate to Elsa's transformation on so many levels.  As part of my own metamorphosis, I am changing the way I look too.  I don't mean to say that I used to dress badly (in fact I'm known for having a unique and quirky personal style), but I am working on a look that is not just uniquely me but also exudes maturity and confidence. It's been quite fun improving my overall physical appearance, though I sometimes wish it was as easy as waving a hand and creating a sexy attire of ice crystals! Aside from making improvements to my overall style, I have also been taking greater care of my health. I have long believed that looking good always starts with good health; make-up and treatments cannot do much to hide the effects of an unhealthy lifestyle.

Confidence is also a state of mind so I have also been letting go of the fears and setbacks that once held me back. Now, I feel more sure of myself and my abilities. I recall how when I was little I used to be so timid and would usually hide at the back of a group rather than stand in the front. Over the years, I've discovered a more extroverted side of myself, and these past few months I have been giving my outgoing side more chances to really shine and make lasting impressions on other people.

I am happy to report that my overall journey to a new and better me has been going along rather well. Self-improvement is still a work in progress, of course, but I'm happy with what I have achieved so far. By the time the lunar new year rolled around about a week ago, I felt so ready to embrace the Year of the Horse. I was born in the Year of the Horse, this is my year to shine and I'm ready to own 2014 like a boss. I mean, like a HORSE :)

Thank you, Elsa, for your inspiration. It is indeed such a beautiful and liberating feeling to shake off the shackles of the past and charge forward, driven by faith in yourself and your abilities. Oh and an appearance change, even minor tweaks, really does work wonders too ;)

Let it go, let it go, and I'll rise like the break of dawn!

On the Cusp of a Brand New Year

2013 wasn't really my year to be honest.

Oh, the first half was generally pretty good. I got a top grade for my Honours degree, graduated, then did some travelling in Europe and Asia. So far so good.

 

However, the second half gave me grief on several occasions. Let's just say there were difficult personal struggles that bogged me down: some relationship issues, the passing of a loved one and the so far unsuccessful job hunt. It wasn't entirely bad, though, because what doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. I feel like I've grown so much tougher, wiser and sure of myself by the end of this year.

So, I look forward to the new beginnings 2014 will bring. I was down but I'm certainly not out and I'm raring to go. If 2013 was the year I struggled, then 2014 shall be the year I rise above those struggles and soar. How am I so sure of this? 2014 is the Year of the Horse, and the Horse is my Zodiac sign. 2014 is MY year :)

Watch me now.

Peace out, everyone, and I wish you all a very happy new year!

The Long Goodbye (2)

Someday, I'm sure you will realize the potential within you. You'll find the path that you're meant to take, go down far, and accomplish so much.

I believe in you. I want to see you become the best you can ever be. I sincerely hope you will find the happiness and satisfaction that has eluded you for some time already.

That is why, it is better if we just let each other go.

Oh, it hurts so. My heart aches with a longing that is not possible to realize and the tears keep flowing. You embraced me, held me and comforted me but I wished for more.

Yet I stand by the decision.

I want you to the great man I know you'll be, the great man I see inside. I cannot allow myself to be the one who holds you back.

So, go, run down your chosen path. Run, achieve, and don't let me get in the way. Run and soar!

Don't you worry about me. I have my own path to seek, my own dreams to chase, my own potential to realize. Beyond beckons and I don't think I can take you with me either.

We know it is the right thing to do. It's especially hard for me, but I do understand that it is better for both of us this way.

We will be strong and work hard and attain our dreams. We will keep in touch on how we're doing along the way. Perhaps, our paths will converge some day.

This must be what it means to love, if you're willing to let someone go because you care more about their own happiness than yours.

The Long Goodbye (1)

"All over again I understood how important, how irreplaceable, Sumire was to me. In her own special way she'd kept me tethered to the world. As I talked to her and read her stories, my mind quietly expanded, and I could see things I'd never seen before. Without even trying, we grew close. Like a pair of young lovers undressing in front of each other, Sumire and I had exposed our hearts to one another, an experience I'd never have with anyone else, anywhere. We cherished what we had together, though we never put into words how very precious it was."

From Sputnik Sweetheart, by Haruki Murakami



You're leaving soon. I knew you eventually would (after all, you've been planning it for months already), but I've gotten used to your being here for so long that now that you're about to go, it just seems so abrupt. It makes me sad to know that you're really leaving. It makes me even sadder to know that the next time we meet might be a long time away. So, before our lives go separate ways, I've sought you out one more time to say a long goodbye.

You and I are about to start new chapters in our lives: you're off to university and I'm off to find work. I understand the uncertainty and anxiousness you no doubt feel, because I've been in that situation before, and I'm in it again (albeit in a different context). I enjoyed my time as a student  in Australia for so long that I'm still trying to re-establish myself even though I've been back here in Singapore for a while. What's more, I'm making that transition from being a student to being a working adult. It is a tad frightening to be honest and searching for a job that suits me isn't exactly a walk in the park. However, I'm going to face all this bravely. You told me once, quoting from our favourite Song of Ice and Fire book series, that "summer is ending and winter is coming" i.e. the comfort zone that we know of is receding and we need to prepare for the challenges that are coming our way. Well, I'm going to tell you that despite my uncertainties about what the future might bring, I'm going to be tough as nails and sure of myself. I still have dreams to chase and while the end goal may or may not be anywhere within reach right now, I'm going to work towards it slowly.

What's all this about me that has got to do with you? I guess essentially I want to say that I empathize with your uncertainties about what the future might bring and to tell you that I believe in you. You told me once that you didn't like yourself much right now because you are bogged down by personal problems and are all too aware of your unfulfilled potential. I know you have your reasons for your broodiness, and I don't understand the full complexity of the issues you face, but I really do believe in you. I have never met anyone else who is so committed to a quest of self-actualization, so determined to find a place for himself in this world, despite all the major challenges life threw your way. The others can say all they like but I just know that you'll make it. If I can survive this (and thrive too), then you surely can, so don't you worry. I'm not saying this because I'm being nice, I truly feel that way. Yes, summer is ending and winter is coming, but you've been though darker winters before, haven't you?  To borrow another Song of Ice and Fire quote, "what is dead may never die, but rises again harder and stronger".

I will miss you. Perhaps you just see me as a friend with whom you are comfortable talking about all kinds of things with. Well, okay, but don't you assume that I feel exactly the same. It's true that we've known each other many years and that we only became closer not too long ago, but for me, you're now one of my closest friends. The fact that we've stayed in touch for years and can still talk freely with each other despite long periods of absence shows that you're not just any friend. You are one of the few people I can be perfectly honest with and open up to. I wonder if you are aware that you have opened up to me too, quite a number of times, though there are some things that you keep to yourself.

"We cherished what we had together, though we never put into words how very precious it was."

Sometimes our feelings about something are so complex that they are so difficult to describe accurately. I have done my best to capture the essence of how I feel about you and the preciousness of our time together in words, words that I'm going to tell you before you leave. Thank you for agreeing to hear me out. I know we will meet again some day, but when exactly neither of us can say, as life is already pulling us in different directions. Perhaps I shouldn't worry so much about loosing you, for we've kept in touch so long despite us leading different lives and will continue doing so. I can take some comfort in that. Before you go, however, there are loose ends to tie up between you and I. I need to declare my belief in you, confess how much you mean to me and hug you one more time. It'll be a long goodbye.

Saying my goodbyes

The last few weeks of each university semester is always the most bittersweet because I always have to say goodbye to good friends who are moving on to new phases of their lives. This semester is especially bittersweet because I'm the one who has completed my Honours thesis and am moving out of Australia very soon.

So, over the past few weeks since I completed my thesis, I have been seeing various people here in Brisbane who are dear to me. We meet up, often for a meal/ tea, talk and reminisce, exchange gifts, and part ways with hugs, handshakes, well-wishes and promises to visit if we ever visit each others' neck of the woods. It's hard and quite sad, especially since some of them are so dear to me, but I'm thankful that we at least got a chance to say our goodbyes.

I am quite touched to find out that I will be dearly missed when I go, even by people who knew me only briefly. The other day, for instance, I visited my favourite candied nut seller at the Jan Powers' farmers' markets held at the Brisbane CBD every Wednesday. She knows me, because I am a (fairly) regular customer who is a fan of her large-sized, well-coated, good quality Macadamias and Almonds. I told her I was going to leave for Singapore very soon and she said she'd miss me dropping by. I ended up buying three big boxes of mixed candied nuts from her to take home and share, and she was so touched she gave me a discount and a complementary small packet of candied Macadamias. We hugged, and after I told her I'd drop by again the next time I visited Brisbane, we parted ways.

My favourite candied nuts seller at the CBD farmers' markets. Her stall name is called 'Aussie Gourmet Treats'.

My FAVOURITE donuts ever come from this company called 'Divine Donuts'. They set up a stall in the CBD on Fridays and another stall at the West End market on Saturdays. I always buy their original donut, a large ring of crisp-outside-and-soft-inside goodness coated in cinnamon sugar, which costs only AUS$4.50 

Aside from meeting up with people, I've also been re-visiting my favourite hangouts and eating my favourite foods. While I was still studying, I told myself that once I finished all my studies, I'd grab some friends and we'd do a graduation trip around Australia or maybe New Zealand as well. Now that I'm done and dusted with my studies and have loads of free time, I find myself reluctant to travel very much. The only travelling I've done so far is further up North to visit a good friend in the Sunshine Coast, and then taking a plane to cross the continent westwards to visit a dear friend in Perth. I don't mind being in Brisbane most of the time. I like it here, and I'm determined to revisit as many favourite places and see as many people here as I can before I go.

A beautiful spring day. This is the Forgan Smith building, probably the largest building in my university

I absolutely love farmers' markets, and one of my favourites here in Brisbane is the West End markets, held at Davies Park in West End suburb every Saturday. I love getting cheap and good fresh produce as well as the abundance of freshly cooked food from all over the world!

 

West End is my most favourite suburb! It's quirky, a vintage haven, offers a variety of international cuisine (particularly Greek and Vietnamese) and has a fabulous farmers' market every Saturday.
 

Glorious, gorgeous Noosa Rocky Road from the Noosa Chocolate Factory. The best Rocky Road ever, and one of my most favourite candies ever. I just bought a large pack to bring home and I strongly recommend this local Queensland Rocky Road as a souvenir.

I have always loved Brisbane, for its not-too-stressful pace of life, great hangouts and lovely people. Now that I'm about to leave, everything and everyone somehow seems more beautiful.

Thesis Submitted!

I wanted to blog about this the day it happened, but was too busy celebrating my freedom and forgot. No matter. On this blog, I hereby officially declare my thesis, 'Stories, Spectacles and Sports: The Politics of Visaulizing the Beijing Olympics protests', SUBMITTED :D

I submitted it a day before the official deadline actually. From my experience, leaving something that important to the last day would be too nerve-racking. This turned out to be a very wise move as the day I made my submission turned out to be a very hectic one full of all sorts of drama. It all begin when I went to print 3 hard copies of my thesis at my university's print centre. A couple of minor screw-ups with the printing occurred, which made me a tad nervous. So I went through each of the 74 pages of each hard copy just to make sure that everything was okay before I got my three copies binded. All the meticulous checking left me only 15 minutes for lunch. I grabbed a bagel, wolfed it down and had about 5 minutes to get to my last tutorial. Then it rained. I opened up my umbrella to prevent my precious copies and I from getting wet and rushed to class but still ended up about 10 minutes late. After class, I tried to submit my 3 hard copies to the Student Enquiries Officer, but she had to leave early and told me to drop by tomorrow to give it to her. So I decided to make the online submission of my thesis but my laptop ran out of power. I headed to the library to use one of the computers to make my online submission. Once I logged on to the school portal, I realized I lost my course profile that I wanted to refer to while making the online submission. Yep. Talk about a series of unfortunate events! I bet even Lemony Snicket wouldn't have been able to think up of all that crap befalling someone. If all these happened on the actual day of submission, I'm sure I would've suffered a mental breakdown.

In the end, there was a happy ending. There wasn't any specific or crucial things to take note of when making the online submission so I went ahead with it on my own. After the online submission, I managed to find my Honours course coordinator and told her that I was unable to pass the Student Enquiries Officer my 3 hard copies. She said that I could submit them to her and she would pass the hard copies to the Student Enquiries Officer the next day. With that, I managed to overcome all the challenges that came my way and completed all official submission requirements one day early! The day ended with me hugging my Honours course coordinator, shaking hands with my thesis supervisor and rushing off to Hamilton suburb to try and catch the sunset as well as have a celebratory dinner plus dessert.

Since I officially completed my Honours programme, life has been such a breeze. I have done a great deal of catching up with my social life, eating out at places I've wanted to visit and re-visit for a long time but didn't have the time to do so as well as indulge in plenty of shopping. This is very likely going to be the last month of my stay in Australia so my plan is to enjoy my remaining time here to the fullest, now that I have completed my Honours programme. There are people to visit and thank, places to revisit and things I want to enjoy while I'm still here. June is going to be an unforgettable month because I'm determined to make it happen!

Reflections on Thesis-Writing: Draft Three and Beyond

I actually enjoy writing my thesis.

 

There, I've said it upfront and point-blank. It's a conclusion I came to couple of days ago, after achieving another milestone in my thesis-writing journey: the submission of the third and final draft of my thesis. Somehow, the intensity and stress of the past few weeks managed to inspire some soul-searching and reflections on thesis-writing. Now that I can finally take a brief breather, it's time to gather all those fragments of thoughts and piece them together into a coherent whole, so that I have something to refer to for those moments of doubt during the remainder of my thesis-writing journey.

 

Some days, everything is smooth-sailing and the words flow freely from my mind to the Word document before me. Other days, all that I learnt, researched and studied become such a frustratingly incoherent mass in my mind that I despair and come close to giving up. Do you know what the most challenging part about thesis-writing is? In my view, it is gathering all your ideas, the theories and concepts you learned and the research you did into an articulate, coherent and concise 16 000 word (NOT as long as it seems) long whole. Only those with true grit and passion need apply.

 

Despite the love-hate relationship, I've come to realize that this thesis means so much to me. It is the most personal and close-to-heart academic endeavour I have ever undertaken. To begin with, this is my thesis. I set out with a puzzle that I hit upon and wanted to investigate, put in a great deal of blood, sweat and tears into the investigation, and eventually came to my own conclusions. Of course, I received a great deal of support, love and feedback from the people around me, without which I would never have made it this far. Otherwise this is an independent study. As my supervisor keeps telling me, I'm in charge. I guess it's therefore natural that I want to succeed in an endeavour that is largely my own undertaking and responsibility. Attaining that First Class Honours is certainly a very attractive goal and a powerful motivation.

 

There is a deeper and more important driving force than the attractiveness of the end goal, however. The thesis-writing journey itself is also highly personal. I wonder if anyone else who has ever written a thesis or is writing one felt that they discovered more of themselves and their abilities in the course of writing? I did, and it was a startling revelation when it struck me how much I have achieved along the way. I used to be pretty weak in the Chinese language subject as a student in Singapore and I once had this Chinese tutor during my primary school days who gave up on me. Here I am today writing a thesis that involves reading and translating Chinese media sources. I used to get really bad grades for the Literature subject when in secondary school and decided not to pursue Literature as an 'O' Level subject as I felt sure I was hopeless at it. Here I am today writing a thesis that involves in-depth discourse and semiotic analyses to examine the visual nature of my sources and the language they are embedded in. I used to get weak grades for the English language subject in secondary school and my mother had to see my teacher to discuss my poor English grades. Here I am today actually writing a full thesis and I have been told several times along the way that I speak and write very well. The point of saying all this is to not toot my own horn, but highlight how thesis-writing brought out abilities and strengths in me that I thought never existed to begin with. Perhaps I'm a late bloomer? Whatever it is, thesis-writing has taught me a lot of myself as much as I have learnt about my topic of interest, making me much more confident in myself now.

 

The thesis-writing journey is coming to an end so soon, and things are actually looking bright. I received feedback on the third draft this afternoon, and my supervisor congratulated me on a job well done, saying that I have made a major improvement from the last draft and only minor tweaks are needed now. He even said that if I like, I could actually turn it into a journal article (after making the necessary tweaks of course)! This has got to be the best feedback I ever received in my life. To hear that my work has improved so much that it is almost journal-worthy makes all those sacrifices worth it, and more importantly, I have renewed faith in myself and my abilities. All that needs to be done now is to stay focused, make the necessary changes and keep believing till the very end.

 

Yes, I really enjoy writing my thesis.

 

 

Birthday

Today's my birthday. I've had great fun celebrating it with friends and on my own today and for the past few days, all while rushing to complete some academic work. The highlight of the celebrations has got to be heading to the Gold Coast on my own this afternoon to catch the world premiere of acclaimed anime film director Makoto Shinkai's latest movie 'The Garden of Words'. This movie deserves a post of its own so for now I'll just say that it's absolutely beautiful and struck an emotional chord within me so I highly recommend it to everyone, anime fan or not. Shinkai himself was an awesome dude, when I met him during the autograph session (yes, he came all the way down to the Gold Coast!), I mentioned that today was my birthday and requested that he write 'happy birthday' to mark the occasion, which he happily obliged and also wished me a happy birthday. Thanks dude, meeting you today and watching your beautiful new film made my birthday very happy indeed :D

Looking back over my life, I'm astounded by how much I have achieved and how much I've grown as a person. Especially since I started university. If you'd told little me that one day I'd go abroad to live and study (twice!), built rich friendships with so many people from around the world and shook hands with an acclaimed film director, she probably wouldn't have quite believe it! Here's to many more fulfilling and memorable years ahead! :D

Enjoying my food

In spite of my really busy and stressful final semester, when it comes to my food, I tend to make a ritual out of it.

For example, this morning I had to finish the last of the Maple Muesli I bought from the weekly city farmers' market as well as some of my favourite deep - purple grapes that I purchased from the West End farmers' markets (I absolutely love shopping at farmers' markets but that will be for another blog post). It was a morning meant to be enjoyed, to begin with. It was raining when I woke up and I enjoy rainy mornings because the rain makes the morning air so fresh and cool and crisp. So I had to have a nice breakfast to go with the lovely morning. I prepared a bowl of milk, and placed the last of my Muesli and some grapes on the side. Then I alternated between eating the Muesli straight from the packaging and eating it mixed up with the milk. The Muesli was good eaten either way, see. Eaten straight allows you to enjoy the crunch of the various nuts and seeds and savour their delicious toasty nuttiness. Eaten with milk softens the rolled oats at bit and allows the oats to absorb some of the creamy milk. Every now and then, I'd pop a few grapes and enjoy the explosion of sweet grape juice as I munch on them. Needless to say, it was an enjoyable breakfast.

Eating is certainly the best part of having food, but I do enjoy the process of making it as well. Take the very popular and delicious Thai green curry for instance. Since last year, when I happened to find out that Kaffir Lime fruits were in season in Brisbane every April and May, I have been buying up those fruits so that I can make green curry paste from scratch. The challenge of getting hold of Kaffir Limes, as well as a few other essential ingredients for the green curry paste, is the most difficult aspect of preparing authentic Thai green curry here in Brisbane. Moreover, it's a laborious process that involves chopping up a big pile of ingredients (some of which are pretty tough to slice, such as the Galangal), and then pounding them into a paste using a mortar - and - pestle (last year I had some help from my housemate's food processor, but she has since moved out, taking her food processor with her). The end result of an extremely flavourful and fragrant curry, more flavourful and fragrant than many green curries I have eaten in cafes and restaurants, make all that hard work so worth it! Plus, because I make a big batch of paste, I can store up the leftover paste in the fridge or freezer for future use. There's more I'd like to say about the tedious but rewarding process of making Thai green curry from scratch, but that will be for another blog post.



Homemade Thai green curry I prepared last week. Delicious!

Much as I enjoy cooking, it is nice to have someone else cook for you for a change. Because of my limited student budget, I go out to eat only about 3 times a week. And when I do, I make sure my calories and money are not wasted on crappy food. I particularly enjoy going to cafes serving modern Australian cuisine for a bite. These cafes, which typically open from early morning to about 3pm in the afternoon, are really popular in Brisbane. Eating breakfast/ brunch/ lunch at these cafes with friends/ family is a favourite local pastime especially during weekends. It's a favourite pastime of mine too. Whenever I visit one for breakfast or lunch, I never rush my meal. I take my time browsing through the menu or the display cabinets, spend my waiting time reading a good book or a magazine, then savour my food slowly and appreciatively when it arrives. It's not just the food, see, but the whole experience of dining out at a lovely café and the collective experience of savouring beautifully prepared and delicious food with my fellow diners. Again, this whole experience of eating out at cafes in Australia deserves a blog post of its own, which will be written another day.




Confit of portabella mushrooms baked with a feta and chorizo crumble - with dill scrambled eggs, smoked tomato compote and rye and onion toast. This is my favourite meal so far from Pablo, a café in Brisbane that I like.

Of course, much as I'd like to, I don't take my time with every meal I eat. I am a busy final year student after all. But when I do, usually when I'm preparing/ eating my favourite foods or when I'm at a café I like, I really try to revel in the whole experience. I think this is my way of "smelling the roses along the way" as I proceed with life. Too often, we rush through life or are so preoccupied with tasks and responsibilities that we fail to truly live life. I should know. I come from Singapore, a society in which stress permeates pretty much every sphere of life. As my university life comes to an end, and the "real world" of working life beckons, I find myself trying to enjoy the simple pleasures of life as much as I can before I take on the slew of responsibilities that come with being a working adult. How often will I get a chance to savour something as basic as breakfast, slowly and lovingly prepare a delicious meal for myself or revel in the comfort of my favourite cafes when I am busy with earning money and supporting myself? I don't know. What I do know is that for now, I am not too busy to enjoy my food, so I'm indulging in simple gastronomic pleasures while I can.

A busy semester ahead

Last Monday, March 11, was a milestone in my thesis - writing journey. I submitted the first fully completed first draft of my thesis *whew!* This being my first draft, I'm sure there'll be plenty of editing to be done and more drafts to be submitted. In fact, I'm gonna see my supervisor later to get some feedback on that first draft.

This final semester is gonna be a really busy one: there's a thesis to complete and coursework as well. I know I have not been updating at all since last year but I don't intend to abndon this blog. Actually, I've plenty to say, it's just that I never got round to writing. But I will try, even though I will have little time to do so over the next few months. There're things I want to record and remember, unique moments in space and time to preserve.

Till then!