Till I am ready

I ran into T on the way home from work earlier this month.

It was the most random encounter. That evening, I took the wrong bus and ended up in the Bugis area instead of Boon Keng. As I made my way towards Bugis station, I saw a familiar face among the crowd. Mmmm, looks like T, I sleepily thought to myself. A second look jolted me out of my tired state. It really was T! Panic, joy, surprise. I managed to get a grip on myself and called out his name. He stopped in his tracks.

T was with a mate of his, a really nice lady who I met briefly last year. She recognized me too. Both were just as amazed to run into me as I was. The first thing T said was something like how he did not expect to meet me in Bugis as my office was further away. I sheepishly told him that I took the wrong bus. He laughed and said that I should have asked the bus driver for a refund of the bus fare. We caught up a little on how I had been doing since we last spoke. He asked if I was still having that trouble I had with my bosses late last year, and was glad when I told him that things were better now. Unfortunately, I was unable to stay long to chat with T and his mate. The conversation was about 10 mins because I needed to rush home for dinner. So I didn't get to ask T much on how he was doing. I remarked that he had cut his hair shorter, and he laughed sheepishly. He definitely sounded better than when we last spoke over the phone in December last year; he sounded stressed and tired back then. It had been about three months since we last met and he looks well now too. Still boyishly handsome.

On the train home, I relished our sudden encounter. It was, admittedly, rather awkward. Neither of us had expected to run into each other just a month after we last spoke. The randomness of the meeting reminded me of how we first met; back then we also happened to be at the right place at the right time. I think that the awkwardness did not just come from the randomness of the encounter, but also the mutual, unspoken knowledge of what happened between us last year. T's mate's presence helped to diffuse the awkwardness a little. Though I do believe that if not for her being around, my conversation with T would have been more heartfelt.

I told my best mate about my encounter with T and she asked an important question: how did I feel after that random encounter about meeting T again. I truthfully answered that as of now, I did not feel ready to have a one-on-one meeting with him very soon. I might need a few more months because I felt that I needed to be better myself first before  I could see him again. This was because the last time we met about three months ago, I was still feeling insecure about myself and how I related to other people, which was one reason why we ended up arguing. I wanted to avoid something like that happening again. Even though I am doing much better now than  last year, I realized that there are still some lingering vulnerabilities  and I need some more time to heal. I need to develop more self-love and self-compassion. I need more confidence and swag to deal with the challenges that life throws at me. Ultimately, I must care and love myself first, before I can properly care and love others.

I am very happy that I got a chance to meet T again this month. Despite the awkwardness, we could still laugh and have a happy, lighthearted conversation. It made me realize how much I miss him and still care for him. I would very much love another chance to have a meeting with him again, preferably one-on-one. First, though, I need to work on developing a better self.