Some Nights, and Others

Well, some nights I wish that this all would end
'Cause I could use some friends for a change.
And some nights I'm scared you'll forget me again
Some nights I always win, I always win...

 

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh, Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights I don't know...

 

(Some Nights, by Fun)

I've been quite introspective and broody of late, largely thanks to my job-hunting endeavour.

 

What I really want from a job is to be able to draw upon my strengths and passion for it so that I can make meaningful contributions. Ideally, it would be in International Relations as this is a field that I really enjoy studying, and would like some real working experience in. I realize of course that if I limited myself solely to just International Relations jobs, my choices would be pretty limited. Therefore, I'm keeping an open mind about other kinds of work that at least fulfil the above-mentioned three criteria, especially media communications, policy-making and research related work. So far so good, I can at least articulate what kind of job I'm looking for.

 

The hard part that I've yet to overcome is getting that kind of job I want. I've sent a number of applications so far: many have not succeeded, a number are still in process, and even fewer have resulted in interviews (which ended with me not making the cut). I know this is perfectly normal and that fresh graduates normally take several months to land their first jobs. I also know that I am a generally all-rounded individual with good academic qualifications from a good university plus some work experiences that has armed me with useful and transferable working skills. Furthermore, I know that I'm not currently in dire financial straights and need a job immediately, so I can afford to be patient with the job search.

 

Yet I can't shake off the feeling that this is taking a bit too long. What frustrates me in particular is that I haven't been called up to many interviews, which means that most of my applications reached a dead end at the resume submission stage. I had at least expected to be able to proceed to the interviews given that my CV highlights some pretty impressive achievements relevant to what I apply for and that I make good effort to write well-thought cover letters. So where are the interviews and job offers?!

 

Being in a situation like this is a big test of my faith in myself. Some nights, I feel absolutely pathetic and wonder if I am just not as good as other people after all. Other nights, I scold myself for having such a defeatist attitude, and focus instead on the aspects of the job search I have control over e.g. my strategies, expectations and the way I market myself. I swing between these two extremes quite a lot these days. If not for the support of my family and friends, as well as the fact that I am currently preoccupied with this short contract job that an organization I once did a stint with was kind enough to offer, I think I would've just snapped and lost my mind.

 

I go back to square one a lot. I ask myself again the question of what I want out of a job, this time by casting it in terms of long-term goals. What do I stand for? What do I stand for? Ultimately, I still seek beyond. I still can't quite articulate clearly what it means to go beyond so for now I'll just vaguely define it as a vision of going beyond my comfort zone and exploring the world around me. Despite this rough definition, it is still something I can work towards, even if it means taking a longer career path.

 

My career path towards that vision of beyond will have to start somewhere though. It helps to have some criteria that influence the jobs I seek: play to my strengths, have a passion for and make valuable contributions. I continue with the job search with these in mind, send my applications, wait for replies, agonize, do some soul-searching and pick myself up in order to move forward.

 

The cycle then starts all over again.